


Stuck In The Middle With You

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M, OT3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-12-21 08:17:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: Sequel to 'Like Riding A Bike'.Lister's two most regular clients are causing him trouble, but things are about to get a lot more complicated.





	1. Chapter 1

  
There are some sounds which are difficult to accurately describe. The movement of bodies upon satin sheets, the soft purrs of hungry desire, the desperate cries of intense pleasure, the quiet murmurs of sated passion.

But some sounds are very easy; such as the shrill pitch of a door buzzer at an unwanted moment, or the disgruntled sounds of a scouser getting up to answer said door, when all he actually wants is a cozy post-coital nap. Lister threw on his dressing gown and was unsurprised at the identity of his unwanted caller.

“Rimmer,” he said as patiently as he could, “You know we’ve talked about this. You can't just turn up whenever you feel like it. I've got someone with me.”  
“I'm sorry,” Rimmer was obviously agitated, his foot tapping at an unhealthy tempo. “This couldn't wait. My shuttle leaves in half an hour and I had to speak to you before I go.”  
“Shuttle?” Lister yawned, “I didn't think you had any planet leave booked.”  
“I don't. This is…something else.”  
Lister fixed him with a look, immediately more awake. “Oh no. You didn't. Not again.”  
“It's not my fault!”  
“What happened this time?”  
Rimmer covered his face in shame, “I'd rather not say.”  
“Come on, I'll find out anyway. It can't be worse than last time.”  
“Nearly.”  
“Out with it.”  
Rimmer’s face went from pink to purple. “I declared myself a cat, crawled into the invigilator’s lap, and started batting at his tie.”  
“Well…” Lister tried hard to sound positive, “at least you didn't hump anyone's leg this time.”

Rimmer looked down at his toes, “Brannigan says it's a stress reaction. He's making me take a few days off to recover.”  
“Maybe he has a point. I mean, it's not the first time this has happened. Perhaps you need to think if passing the engineering exam is really worth all this.”  
“But how else will I ever become an officer?”  
“There's got to be another way. A way that doesn't put this kind of strain on you. Your blood pressure must be in orbit, man.”  
“If I may…” A different voice interjected amiably. Todhunter strolled into view and leaned against Lister in the doorway. He was wearing one of the fluffy white dressing gowns Lister kept for his clients and a very contented smile.

Rimmer narrowed his eyes. His arm snapped off a salute that appeared to be taking place against his will, and somehow managed to convey a deep sense of loathing. “Sir,” he managed through gritted teeth before glaring at Lister. “You could have told me he was here.”  
“I told you I had company,” Lister said demurely, though he threw a gently reproving look at Todhunter over his shoulder.  
“I couldn't help overhearing, and Dave is right, you know. There are other paths to promotion if you're struggling.”  
“Yes, well,” Rimmer said shortly and drew himself up, “I don't have time to get into it all that now. I just came to tell Lister I won't be attending my appointment tomorrow. And I wanted to ask you what you want for your birthday, as I probably won't see you before then.”  
“My birthday?” Lister said surprised, “I haven't even really thought about it yet.”  
“When is it?” Todhunter asked.  
“Not until the end of next week.”  
“I'm surprised you don't know that,” Rimmer remarked pointedly, his tone masquerading as innocuous, and as unconvincing as a moose masquerading as a duck.  
“Indeed, how remiss of me,” Todhunter agreed mildly, “I'll have to think of a nice surprise for you.”  
“Neither of you have to get me anything.”  
“No, no!” Rimmer insisted, “A small token of appreciation seems only right.”   
“Absolutely. You do such sterling work for us, after all. You deserve to be spoilt a bit.”  
“Nothing flashy of course,” Rimmer added, “Just a tasteful, meaningful gesture. Y’know, from someone who really _knows_ you.”  
“Precisely.” Todhunter smiled charmingly.

Lister looked back and forth between them with thinly veiled exasperation, “Aren't I a lucky boy to have two such appreciative clients,” he remarked sweetly, putting a subtle emphasis on the last word.

Rimmer looked at his watch, “I'd better start heading down to the landing bay. I'll see you next week then?”  
“Yes, okay. Do try and relax, won't you? Think about what I said. It doesn't have to be this way.”  
“Alright, okay. I'll think about it.”  
“And don't dwell on what happened today. Everyone will have forgotten by the time you get back.”  
“No, they won't.”  
“It doesn't matter. Besides,” Lister gave him a gently encouraging smile, “I like cats.”

“Poor old Rimmer,” Todhunter said as the door finally closed.  
“Don't you give me that,” Lister smiled knowingly.  
“What do you mean?” Todhunter sat down on the edge of the bed.  
“I’m not silly. I know what just happened. You didn't need to come swaggering over in your dressing gown to join in the conversation.”  
“Would you rather I'd swaggered over without it?” Todhunter raised his eyebrows suggestively. “I just wanted to help,” he added innocently, when Lister failed to look amused.  
“You just wanted him to know you were here.”  
“I suppose I thought it might jog the conversation along a bit,” he admitted.

Lister went to the drinks cabinet and poured a couple of shots. “You two aren't my only clients, you know. I don't get why you're so jealous of each other.”  
“I'm not jealous. I feel sorry for him. He's obviously infatuated with you.”  
“He doesn't have many friends, that's all.”  
“Dave, he doesn't have _any_ friends. And that includes you.”  
“Don't be mean.”  
“I'm not. I'm pointing out that the relationship you two have is not exactly platonic.” Todhunter accepted his drink and took a sip.  
“Listen,” Lister leaned back wearily against the wall, cradling his glass in one hand, “I know he's hard work but there's reasons for that. Stuff you don't know about. Under all the smeg, he's actually very sweet.”  
“How far under?”  
“Frank…”  
“You see, there it is right there.”  
“What?”  
“The reason he bothers me and not the others. Because you care.”  
“I care about everyone! I'm a caring person.”  
“You _like_ everyone. That's not quite the same. He's different. And I'd like to think I'm different.”  
“So, you are jealous?” Lister teased gently.  
“Yes,” Todhunter sighed, “I suppose I am.”

Lister wandered over and straddled his lap. “Frank, I have a different relationship with everyone who comes through that door. It's daft to try and make comparisons, man. I know what you want me to say, that what you and me have is special, and it is. But it's not exclusive.”  
“I know.” Todhunter swirled his drink, “But even if you can't say it, I think - I hope - that you do have some favourites.” He looked up hopefully and Lister kissed him on the mouth.  
“I do,” he said softly. Then he smirked playfully, “They’re all girls, though.”  
Todhunter rolled his eyes, “I suppose I asked for that.” He finished his drink, moved Lister off him, and started to get dressed.  
“Hey,” Lister stopped him at the door before he left, “Seriously. There's no point brooding. This is just how it is.”  
“And if it wasn't?” Lister gave him a look and said nothing. “Alright, I know. I shouldn't have asked.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Did you know Kochanski broke off her engagement to Feldman?”  
“Yes,” Lister said flatly after just a fraction of a second’s pause, “I heard. I hear everything sooner or later in this job.”  
“I can't help but wonder if it changes anything.”  
“With me and her?”  
“With all of this.”  
“What could it change?” Lister shrugged awkwardly, “You know the deal. I'm off the market. While I'm on this ship I belong to everyone and no-one. Either that or I become a stasis popsicle.”  
“Stasis doesn't freeze you. And you won't be on this ship forever. In three years time we’ll all be back on Earth. You, me, Rimmer, Kochanski. And then you'll be your own man. And free to make your own choices.”  
“And you'll still be married,” Lister reminded him dryly.  
“Three years is a long time. Anything could happen.”  
“Yeah,” Lister stepped forward and put his arms around him, “It could. So it's too soon to be thinking about. After all,” he smiled cynically, “we could all be dead by then.”  
“Yes,” Todhunter said with a matching smile, “I suppose so.”


	2. Chapter 2

The following week, Lister was in the lift heading up to the Copacabana Bar for his birthday celebrations. If he were to be totally honest, he wasn't much in the mood for it. Once word about his birthday had spread, he'd had an influx of clients keen to help him celebrate. As a result, he was rather tired and would have welcomed an evening to himself with a takeaway and a movie. He never thought he'd be bored of sex at the age of twenty-five. Maybe it was time to think about booking some planet leave.

He met Todhunter in the corridor, heading in the same direction. “Ah-ha! There’s the man of the hour!” he beamed, giving Lister a hug.  
“Hey, man.”  
“Oh, now why so glum?”  
“I'm old. I'm allowed to be grumpy.”  
“Ah, yes. I can see you gaining wrinkles as we speak.”  
“Come on, let's get it over with.”  
“Cheer up. I think a lot of people have brought presents.”  
“I don't need ten pairs of handcuffs and twenty copies of the karma sutra.”  
“Are you okay?” Todhunter asked, concerned.  
“Yes. I'm sorry. I'm just tired.”  
“Well, I can't speak for everyone but I promise you my present has nothing kinky about it whatsoever.”  
“That's reassuring.”

As they turned the corner, Lister saw a sign pointing the other way and hesitated. “What is it?” Todhunter asked.  
“Have you ever seen the stasis booths?”  
“Yes, of course. Lots of times.”  
“Can I have a look?”  
“If you want. It's not very exciting though.”

He led him down the corridor, through a small turn and down into a cul-de-sac ending in two grey doors, each with a small window. Lister peered through one of them. “Is that it?”  
“That's it.”  
“I thought there would be readouts and blinking lights and stuff. Like in the drive room.”  
“Afraid not. Technically when you're in stasis you exist outside of time, so there's nothing to monitor.”  
“That's a bit creepy.”  
“It's just physics. Same as everything else in the universe.”  
“How very philosophical.”  
“Why did you want to see them?”  
“Just curious, I suppose.” Lister shrugged, “Some days I wonder if I made the right choice.”  
“Are you really that unhappy?”  
“No. No!” Lister reassured him quickly, “I'm not unhappy. It's just the ‘what if?’. You know what I mean?”

He cautiously tried the door and it opened. He looked back at Todhunter for permission and he nodded mildly. Lister stepped into the stasis booth.

It wasn't big. Not much larger than a storage cupboard or toilet cubicle. The walls were smooth and bare. “You know what?” Lister said, “I think I made the right choice. I don't think I would want to spend three whole years in here.”  
“It passes in an instant.”  
“Have you done it?”  
“Yes, a couple of times on long trips. It's really not scary. You walk in, you walk out. Done.”

Todhunter stepped inside and put his arms around Lister. “Obviously only you can say whether it was the right choice. But I'm glad you exist right now.” He gave him a gentle kiss.  
“Hey,” Lister whispered, “I'm off-duty, remember.”  
“Of course. My mistake.” Todhunter moved to step back but Lister held onto him.  
“It's okay,” he said, “I'll make an exception just this once. Because it's my birthday.” He stood on tiptoe to rub their noses together. “And because you're special.” He kissed him.

“WHAT is going on here?” a shrill voice demanded.  
“Oh,” Todhunter said wearily, letting go of Lister’s waist. “Hello there, Rimmer. What are you doing down here?”  
“More to the point, what are you two doing?”  
“Chill out,” Lister said, “he's just showing me the stasis booths.”  
“Oh, yes. The magnificent scenic stasis booths.”  
“I was curious, okay?”  
“Well, who wouldn't be?” Rimmer barged in and pushed between them, looking around theatrically. “Ahhh, small cramped space. Plain grey walls. Yes, this is the place to be alright!”  
“Knock it off,” Lister said irritably, stepping back out into the corridor for breathing space.  
“You're not supposed to fraternise with junior members of staff,” Rimmer snapped at Todhunter, “And _you're_ not supposed to fraternise out of hours at all!” he turned on Lister.  
“It was just a little birthday kiss, that's all. Get out the trouser press and iron that twist out of your knickers. It didn't mean anything. Ok?”  
“Well…” Todhunter protested timidly. Lister cut him off.  
“Frank. No. Not now.”

“No, by all means, let him talk,” Rimmer stomped out of the booth and stood face to face with Lister. “He's the first officer after all. He has seniority here. Please go ahead, Sir, and debrief us of the situation.”  
“Look,” Todhunter joined them in the corridor, “Dave's telling the truth. He really did want to see the stasis booths, and it really was just a kiss.”  
“Hmph,” Rimmer grumbled, unconvinced.  
“But it's not true to say it didn't mean anything.” He looked at Lister mournfully. “I'm nuts about you. And I know you see me as more than just another client.”  
Rimmer chimed in before Lister could reply. “Well. Sorry to be the prick to your balloon, _Sir_ , but if Lister has a special relationship with anyone here, it's me. We used to live together, if you remember.”  
“If you remember,” Lister interrupted with annoyed amusement, “you hated me when we lived together.”  
“No, I didn't. I may have come across a little cold, a little stern, but that was only to try and guide you.”  
“Guide me to what?”  
“Being less of a useless, directionless, messy git.”  
Lister stared at him reproachfully, “Yeah, feeling the love, Rimsy. Thanks a lot!”  
“Look, what I'm trying to say is…we have history. We know each other. _Really_ know each other. The good and the bad. That's why we're special.”  
“Will the pair of you just stop? You're both special to me in different ways. This isn't a competition.”  
“Yes, it is,” Rimmer insisted, “He thinks just because he's some suave hoity-toity officer, that he's got dibs on you.”  
“Nobody has dibs on me. Okay? Not him and not you either.”  
“But I knew you first!”

“Oh, for smeg’s sake. I've had enough. It's my birthday. I should be having fun right now; not stood here refereeing this garbage. I'm going to the bar. If you two can be civil to each other then feel free to come with me. If not, then go home.” Lister turned on his heel and started walking away. Behind him he heard Rimmer mutter, “Now look what you've done.”  
“Me? You're the one who kicked up a stink.”  
Lister took a deep breath. _Keep walking. Don't get dragged into it._  
“I wouldn't have kicked up a stink if you hadn't been groping him!”  
“I didn't see him offer _you_ a birthday kiss.”  
* _THUMP_ *

Lister stopped and spun round in shock, to see Rimmer and Todhunter tumble back into the stasis booth, scrapping like alley cats. “Smegging hell!” he raced back down the corridor towards them. “Hey! HEY! STOP IT!”

He waded into the stasis booth, dodging the flailing limbs, and managed to pry them apart. When he had each of them in a headlock, one panting under each arm, he berated them breathlessly. “I do not believe this! What is wrong with you? _Both_ of you! Have you lost your minds?”  
“He started it!”  
“I don't care who started it, I'm finishing it! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I'm going to let go and I want to see some sanity here. I'm a scouser, don't think I can't take you both down if I have to! Is that clear? IS THAT CLEAR?!”  
“Yes,” the dejected chorus echoed back.  
“Alright then.” He dropped them and they straightened up stiffly, glaring at each other.

“Go home. I mean it,” Lister said angrily, “I'm disgusted with the pair of you.”  
“Wait,” Rimmer said anxiously, “I need to talk to you about something. That's why I came down here in the first place. Holly said you were here.”  
“What is it?”  
“I think I need your help.”  
“With what?”  
“I can't tell you in front of _him_.”  
“Rimmer, right now my patience is wearing thinner than single sheet discount bog roll. Spit it out.”  
“I may have made a little error of judgement.”  
“What kind?”  
“The kind that could have catastrophic consequences.”  
“What do you mean?” Todhunter tensed, “How catastrophic?”  
Rimmer gulped, “Like…potentially wiping out the whole crew and destroying the ship catastrophic.”  
“Are you having a laugh?”  
Rimmer, pale as death, shook his head.  
“And you didn't think to bring this up sooner? Like, before throwing a tantrum over me and Frank having a moment alone?”  
“I'm sorry! I got distracted! When I saw him with his hands on you, I just…”

A siren started to wail through the air, cutting Rimmer off mid-sentence. He clutched at his face, his eyes bugging out. “Oh no. Oh no.”  
“Relax, it's probably just a fire drill,” Lister said nervously, “It'll stop any second. Right Frank?”  
“Yes, I'm sure it's nothing to…” The door of the stasis booth slammed closed and sealed with a hiss. “Worry about,” he finished limply and went to the door, trying to find a release catch.  
“Frank?” Lister said again, more nervously.  
“Don't panic. It's standard procedure for all the doors to seal onboard when the fire alarm sounds.”  
“Oh smeg. Smeg, what have I done?!” Rimmer sank to his knees, cradling his head.  
“Rimmer, will you relax? I'm sure this isn't a major crisis, and even if it is, I'm sure it's nothing to do with you.”  
“Dave is right. The crew are trained for all eventualities. There's no reason to be alarmed. Just stay calm and we’ll be out of here in just….”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“…a moment or two. There. There we go.” There was another soft hiss as the door released and swung open.  
“You see?” Lister said comfortingly, pulling Rimmer to his feet. “The alarm’s stopped. Everything's alright.” Rimmer gripped his arm, his lips blue with fright. Lister regarded him with concern. “Come on,” he said gently, “I think you need a drink.”  
“Is that allowed?”  
“Yeah,” Lister sighed heavily, “You're both allowed. IF you can behave yourselves.”  
“Very well. A spritzer would be very welcome right now.” Rimmer took a shaky step forward.  
Todhunter, taking pity, steadied his other arm, “Come on, old chap. Let's put this nonsense behind us and help Dave celebrate his birthday; and then you can tell us all about this cock-up of yours. I'm sure it's nothing we can't put right.”

Together they helped Rimmer down the corridor to the Copacabana. “Weird, innit?” Lister said, trying to lighten the mood, “It seems so quiet without that siren screeching away.”  
“Yes,” Todhunter looked around, “It has gone quiet, hasn't it?”  
Holly’s voice suddenly blared from the overhead speakers, making all three of them jump slightly.  
“Frank Todhunter, Arnold Rimmer, and David Lister to report to the drive room for debriefing.”  
“Oh dear. I'm guessing this is about that little scuffle back there.”  
“Give us a break, Hol,” Lister called plaintively, “Everything’s cool now.”  
“I'm not so sure it is, Dave,” was the response.  
“Come on, it's my birthday. And look at the state of poor Arn. Let us have one drink before you haul us up in front of the captain.”  
“The captain is not available to speak to you.”  
“Well, there you go. Problem solved.” They headed purposefully to the bar.  
“I have to tell you all something. It's important.”  
“Let us have a drink first. Then tell us.”  
“Frank…”  
“You heard the man, Holly. It's his birthday, he makes the rules.”  
“But that's what I'm trying to tell you…”

Lister pushed open the double doors of the Copacabana. And was met with hollow, empty silence.

The three of them stood huddled in the doorway, staring into the deserted room. There wasn't a soul to be seen. No drinkers, no bar staff. No music. Nothing. In the far corner, a wilted banner proclaiming ‘Happy Birthday!’ failed to sway eerily in the breeze, which was somehow even eerier than if it had. There was not a flicker of movement in the place.

“Is this the part where everyone jumps out and yells ‘surprise’?” Lister asked nervously.  
“No, Dave,” Holly replied.  
“Well, where is everyone?”  
“They're dead, Dave.”  
“Who?”  
“Everybody, Dave.”

Rimmer sank to the floor, moaning weakly. Lister and Todhunter let him go, standing in numb shock. “What, the whole bar?” Lister asked, horrified.  
“Everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.”  
“The whole floor?”  
“The whole ship. Everybody’s dead, Dave.”  
“The captain?”  
“Yes. He's dead, Dave.”  
“ _Everybody_???”  
“Gordon Bennet,” Holly appeared on the monitor above the bar, casting a disparaging look at them all. “It's clearly not his brains that's got you two so twitterpated, is it? Yes, _everybody_. Everybody's dead, Dave.”

“Holly,” Todhunter finally found his voice, “What the hell happened?”  
“There was a radiation leak. A faulty drive plate blew and subjected the entire crew to a lethal dose of Cadmium II. It was pure luck that you three were mucking about in the stasis booth when it happened and I was able to seal you in. Everyone else was instantaneously vaporised.”  
Lister and Todhunter made matching sounds of horror and dismay, and clung to each other. At their feet, another more cheerful voice piped up. “A faulty drive plate? So it wasn't…I didn't…Oh, thank god, thank god, thank god.”  
“Rimmer!” Lister jabbed him with his foot, “What the smeg is wrong with you, man? The entire crew’s been wiped out!”  
“But it wasn't my fault!”  
“Oh, well, _that's_ okay then.”  
“No, you don't understand! I thought it was me, you see? I thought my ridiculous, moronic act of stupidity had killed everyone, but it wasn't me at all!” Rimmer beamed.  
“What on earth made you think this was your fault?” Todhunter asked, puzzled.

Rimmer got back to his feet, brushing off his trousers. “I suppose it doesn't matter now but…I smuggled a cat on board.”  
“What?” Lister and Todhunter chimed in unison.  
“I brought it back with me from my R&R leave.” He gave Lister a sheepish smile. “It was your birthday present.”  
“A cat?” Todhunter repeated, “That's ridiculous!”  
“No, it isn't,” Lister protested, “I like cats.”  
“Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal on a vessel like this?”  
“Yes, yes, I know. But I was stuck on what to get Listy for his birthday, and I knew _you_ were going to turn up with some fancy trinket or another and I panicked. I thought it would be a grand gesture or something. But I chickened out. I was going to figure out a way to take it back but the little bugger escaped. That's why I came to find you in such a flap.”  
“I've never heard of anything so reckless and irresponsible in my life,” Todhunter scolded, “When I think of the damage you could have caused…”  
“Well, it's a bit pointless lecturing me about it now.”  
“Yeah,” Lister said sadly, “Poor little thing never got a chance to cause any harm.”  
“Thank smeg for stasis, eh?”  
“I meant the cat, not you!”  
“Oh. Well, either way, it's a weight off my mind.”  
“Will you show just a little smegging respect? People are dead! A lot of people!”  
“I'm just saying I'm glad it's not down to me. For a moment there, I really thought…I mean, can you imagine what that feels like? Thinking you’re responsible for a disaster of this scale? A tragedy of this magnitude? All those lives lost because of your silly cock-up? How could I live with myself? I think I'm entitled to be just a teensy bit pleased that I don't have to carry that burden for the rest of my life, don't you? This one’s on some other poor bastard.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, surely someone should have picked up the fault before it blew the whole ship to kingdom come. Isn't that what the maintenance crews are for? Who was the last person to check that drive plate? Who's the dunderhead who missed that, hmm?”  
“You are, Arnold.” Holly said.

There was a short silence. And then Rimmer resumed his position moaning on the floor.

Lister looked forlornly around him at the party that never was. “Happy Birthday to me,” he whispered. Frank took his hand and squeezed it. “I've been trying to tell you,” Holly said, rolling his eyes, “It's not your birthday anymore. I had to keep you all in stasis until the radiation reached safe levels.”  
“But we were only in there for a few seconds!”  
“That's just how it feels,” Frank reminded him, his face pale, “For all we know, a hundred years could have passed between then and now.”  
“WHAT???”  
“A hundred years?” Holly scoffed, “Don't be so absurd. It's nothing like that.”  
“Oh, thank god.”  
“This whole place was still glowing after a thousand years, let alone a hundred.”  
“A thousand years?!”  
“This stuff has a long shelf life, you know.”  
“How long, Holly?” Todhunter demanded, “How long were we in stasis?”  
“Three million years,” Holly said casually.

There was a long pause while this sank in. Then Lister turned to Todhunter and said, “The birthday cake will have definitely gone stale then.” They stared at each other, then both collapsed in manic hysterical laughter. As they rolled on the floor, Rimmer curled into a trembling ball, repeating “No, no, no, no, no…” in a quiet monotone.

Holly reviewed the scene with bewilderment. “Blimey,” he said, “I'm starting to wish I'd left you all in there.” And winked off, leaving the monitor black. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

There were a few blissful seconds each day when Lister regained consciousness, when he thought that the pain and nausea were just the result of a birthday hangover. Blurry memories of luminous cocktails in the Copacabana and a table full of brightly wrapped presents would swim to the forefront of his mind. And then, as suddenly and as sickeningly as a nightmare, the scene would twist and he would see the empty bar and hear the echo of Holly’s voice ‘ _Everybody's dead, Dave_ ’ and the hideousness of reality would hit him like a bug hitting a windscreen.

In those first hours after being released from stasis, perhaps in shock, perhaps still in denial, he had insisted on carrying on the birthday party. He had helped himself to garish sickly-sweet cocktails from the bar and started opening his presents. Giddy on booze and hysteria, he had swept a pile of dust aside from one of the bar stools and cheerfully remarked, “You could have kept the place clean while we were out, Hol. This muck is everywhere. So, that's what three million years worth of dust looks like!”  
“Nah,” Holly replied, sounding bored. “That's what the remains of the crew look like. That was Navigation Officer Fenwright you just shoved off his stool.”

Lister remembered staring at the grey dust still clinging thickly to his palm. Fenwright had been one of his clients, just the once. He'd had freckles and a nice smile. The last thing Lister remembered with any clarity from that night was vomiting.

He'd spent the last God-knew how many days in an alcoholic haze. He felt like hell, but each time his brain woke up and he was forced to confront the horror of his situation, he reached for the bottle again to shut it down. He had no idea where Rimmer and Todhunter were. He had no memory of seeing either of them since leaving stasis, and he didn't particularly care.

As he came around, and automatically reached for the bottle of whiskey which had become his constant and only companion, he was dismayed to find it empty. That meant one thing. He was going to have to move and find another one.

With his mind and body screaming, he dragged himself to his feet. And immediately collapsed. His head bounced off the hard floor and his vision swirled. His stomach churned threateningly, and he threw up a stinging, stinking fountain of vomit that burned his guts and his throat. Groaning, he lay in a heap and wished for death. But slowly, just at the very fringes of his consciousness, he became aware of something. Singing.

It wasn't beautiful singing. It wasn't even particularly good. It certainly wasn't sophisticated. It went something like this. “S-E-X, I really want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! S-E-X, I think I found it! Hey! What's this?”

Lister just barely managed to peel open one eye, and was confronted with a close-up view of a strange man sniffing him. “PEEEE-EW!” The man complained loudly, rocking back and waving a hand in front of his face with an offended expression. “I ain't having sex with you, buddy. You stink!”  
“What?” Lister croaked.  
“You heard me, weird monkey dude. This cat has some standards.” The man had tiny sharp fangs.  
“Cat?” Lister repeated stupidly. Was this real? Was he dreaming? Hallucinating? He managed to push himself up onto his knees. The pain in his head - and just about everywhere else - felt real enough.

“Holly?” he called out feebly, “What's going on?”  
“I imagine you’re probably suffering a hangover, Dave. Don't panic. I'll send a skutter down with some Alka Seltzer.” The familiar voice replied nonchalantly.  
“Don't tell me I've probably got a hangover! I _know_ I've got a smegging hangover, and I don't want any smegging meds! I want another bottle of whiskey and I want to know who this is!”  
“You're not by any of my monitors. I can't see.”  
“Well, narrow it down!” Lister growled, “Who’s on board this ship that I don't know about??? I thought it was just the three of us, so who is this?”  
“You sure it's not a mirror? You've been putting it away these past few days and you were looking pretty rough last time I saw you. And that's putting it mildly.”  
“Holly!”  
“Alright, alright. Keep your hair on. It's probably just the cat.”  
“Cat?” Lister repeated again.  
“Don't worry, he's harmless. Just give him some food and he'll leave you to your boozing.”  
“Yeah!” The Cat prodded him firmly with one impeccably-shoed foot. “Feed me!”  
“I don't have any food!” Lister batted him away unsteadily, “I don't know what's going on!”  
Holly sighed deeply, “Can you get yourself back to your room?”  
“I don't know. Maybe. I don't even know where I am.”  
“Try. This is going to take a while to explain.”  
“Fine. Okay.” Lister eyed his new friend, “Can you help me up?”  
“Help? Ha! Cats do not help!”  
“If you help me, I'll take you to food.”  
The Cat mulled this over. “Wellll, okay. But once we get going, I'm gonna walk a few paces behind you so nobody thinks we're together.”  
“Like who?”  
“Like anyone. Cats are independent.”  
Lister cradled his head in his hands. “Oh, man. I really need some more whiskey.”

  
He managed to make the thirty minute trek back to his bunkroom with only one more bout of vomiting. When he finally staggered in, he tumbled down into a chair, covered in a cold sweat. The Cat slunk in behind him moments later. Lister waved vaguely towards the fridge. “Food. There.”  
“Owww! Yeah!” He jived over to the fridge and started rummaging. Lister watched him with wary fascination for a moment before looking around himself properly. His room was like a time capsule. Everything was just as he'd left it before heading out to his party; the clothes strewn over the floor, the aftershave discarded on the bed, the pillows askew. In here it was as if nothing had happened. He could close the door, stay in here for the rest of his life, and imagine that his world was as it should be. Or at least he could if it wasn't for the mutant cat raiding his refrigerator. Maybe because of the untouched atmosphere of the room, Lister remembered too late that anything in his fridge was three million years out of date.

“Yuck!” Cat slammed the door of the appliance shut in disgust, “Monkey food is gross.”  
“Sorry,” Lister said, “There's a vending machine just outside.”  
“What's that? Is it tasty?”  
“Just push the big button in the middle and tell it what you want.” The Cat narrowed his eyes in mistrust but slid out of the room. It occurred to Lister he had no idea if the vending machines were working or not. A moment later, this question was answered by the sound of Cat’s voice demanding “Fish!” followed by triumphant crowing. He rubbed at his temples.  “Holly,” he said reluctantly, “Talk to me.”

After a simplified explanation of how the creature he'd found had evolved from the cat Rimmer had smuggled aboard, Lister glared at his pixelated companion. “And you couldn't have warned us about this sooner?”  
“Like when?”  
“Like before I woke up with him sniffing my face!”  
“You've been blotto for days. You wouldn't have remembered if I'd told you or not.”  
“Did you?”  
“No. I thought I'd let you get your head around everything else first. I didn't know you were going to go wandering off into his territory. He almost never comes up here.”  
“Do the others know? Frank and Arn?” It occurred to Lister suddenly that he had no idea how his fellow survivors were faring. They could have shot themselves - or indeed each other - into space for all he knew. “Are they okay?” he added, suddenly both anxious and guilty.  
“Ish,” Holly face-shrugged, “About as okay as you. Arnold is lying on his back up in the observation dome and has barely moved from the spot for almost three days. Frank is in the drive room obsessively scanning the area for communications or life signs, and has also barely moved from the spot. And no, neither of them are aware of our feline friend.”

Lister scratched thoughtfully at his thick stubble. He felt sick. He wanted to crawl into bed and pass out. He wanted to hose himself clean, inside and out. He wanted to not be here, to not be in this crazy situation. But, to his own surprise, he didn't want another whiskey anymore; and not just because he felt so crappy. Weird or not, Cat was fascinating. Who knew what other fascinating things were out there in this brave new universe, this new and wild frontier? For the first time in days, Lister wanted to be able to think straight. And he wanted company.

He crawled into the shower and tried not to be sick while he cleaned himself up. Then he stepped out of the cubicle and screamed. Cat was standing in the bathroom watching him curiously, while snacking on something from the vending machine. Lister’s nostrils detected fish pie and his stomach heaved again alarmingly. He grabbed the toilet cistern to steady himself. “So you monkeys do shower,” Cat remarked, “I was starting to wonder.”  
“Yes,” Lister said weakly, still clutching at his chest, “But not normally with an audience. What are you doing in here?”  
“I'm a cat. I was curious. And you're my bud now. You showed me the fish machine!”  
“Well, I'm happy you're happy,” Lister couldn't quite believe he was having this conversation, “But can you wait outside?”  
“Why?”

Lister gave up. He was in no fit state to deal with this. More than 50% of the ship’s previous crew had seen him naked, and 100% of its current crew. Why should this bother him? “Never mind,” he sighed. “Just don't stare at me when I'm on the toilet. My nan’s cat used to do that and it's really off-putting.”

He shaved, brushed his teeth, pulled on some clean clothes, and headed up to the drive room, with Cat following him at a dignified distance. “Where are we going?” Cat asked.  
“I'm going to introduce you to a friend of mine,” Lister told him. “And Hol?” he called out to the empty air, “Please warn him we’re coming.”

  
Todhunter leaned forward in his chair, his eyes wide as he stared at the indifferent Cat. “This is unbelievable,” he mumbled.  
“Tell me about it,” Lister agreed. He looked Todhunter up and down thoughtfully while his attention was focused on their new friend. He looked crumpled and disheveled. A light beard covered his cheeks and chin and there were heavy circles under his eyes. It was unsettling. Frank had never had the same military approach to his appearance that Rimmer did, but still Lister had never seen the man look less than neat and tidy. “How are you holding up?” he asked gently.  
Todhunter shook his head, “I don't know. None of this feels real.”  
“When did you last sleep?”  
“I can't remember. The last few days are a blur. Besides, I can't go back to my room. Holly says the officer’s deck is still contaminated. So, I just…watch the readouts.”  
“For what?”  
“Anything. We can't be all that's left. We just can't.” He closed his eyes and shook his head in despair, “Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe it's hopeless.”  
“No,” Lister assured him, “It’s not hopeless. Surviving and adapting is what humans do. It's totally possible there are still people out there somewhere. Whole civilisations. I mean, look at him.” He gestured to Cat, who was investigating the new area with interest. “Holly says there's a whole bunch of cats who left the ship years ago searching for their promised land. They're out there too somewhere. We're not alone. I'm sure of it.”  
“I hope you're right.”

Lister cautiously changed the subject. “Have you seen Rimmer?”  
Todhunter grunted disdainfully. “Ha. Chance would be a fine thing. He's still off wallowing in self-pity.”  
“Can you blame him? Think how he must feel right now. Imagine having something this atrocious on your conscience.”  
“Yes, yes, okay,” Todhunter said awkwardly, “I get it. But staring into space isn't going to change anything and it's certainly not going to help. And neither is drinking yourself into a coma.” He eyed Lister with concern. “Are _you_ okay? You don't look well.”  
“You know they say that people are ninety per cent water? Up until an hour or so ago, I was ninety per cent whiskey.”  
“And now?”  
“Probably forty, but only because I've puked most of it out. The other sixty is bile and regret.” Lister hugged himself miserably. He still felt ill and couldn't stop shivering.  
“Christ, Dave. You should be in the medi-bay.”  
“I'll be fine. I've had hangovers worse than this. I'm upright, aren't I?”  
“You must be dehydrated as hell. I should have checked on you before now. I just didn't want to miss anything…” he looked back anxiously at the screens.  
“Don't worry about it. Even if you'd come and found me, you couldn't have done much. I had to come through it in my own way. Now I have.” He reached out and gently turned Frank’s head away from the readouts and back towards him. “It's time we all did. That includes you. You can't spend the rest of your life in here. It's time to let Holly take over the monitoring stations. He'll let us know if anything comes up.”  
“But…”  
“Frank. Let it go. We've got us a life sign right here to worry about.” He jerked his head subtly towards the Cat (but very very gingerly to avoid aggravating the pain and nausea), who was still prowling around the room, scrutinising every switch and button.

“He is amazing,” Todhunter admitted.  
“I know, right?” Cat agreed cheerfully, “Handsome too!”  
“So focus on him for now. You guys start getting to know each other. I'm going to get Rimmer.”  
“Good luck dragging him out of his angst bubble.”  
“He just needs a bit of motivation, that's all.”  
“And if that doesn't work?”  
Lister shrugged, “I'll just annoy him until he does what I want.”  
“You think that will work?”  
“It always has.”


	5. Chapter 5

Lister climbed up the steps to the observation dome and looked around. He'd only ever been up here once before. The view was breathtaking. He paused for a moment to take it in. The universe might be huge and empty and terrifying, but it was certainly beautiful.

Rimmer was lying on the floor looking up through the glass, and didn't acknowledge him. “Hi,” Lister tried softly. Nothing. “You okay?” He prodded.  
“No.” Rimmer replied stiffly.

Lister walked over, eased himself down to the ground, and lay down beside him. “Talk to me.”  
“What am I supposed to say?”  
“Anything you want.”  
“Okay. I wish I was dead.”  
“But you're not.”  
“Only by a crazy fluke.”  
“That's not what I meant. We've been out of stasis a few days now. If you really wanted to be dead, you would be. Me and Frank haven't been in any shape to stop you if you tried to top yourself.”  
“I'm just trying to work up the nerve.”  
“You're trying to find a way to come to terms with this. We all are. In fact, out of the three of us, I'd say you were handling this the best. Frank’s been going crazy trying to make contact somewhere. I've been taking my brain off the hook with booze. You've just sat aside until you've got your head around it.”

“But I _can't_ get my head around it,” Rimmer screwed his eyes shut, pained. “This is so bloody typical of my stupid smegging life. It's bad enough to make a humongous cock-up with ghastly consequences, without having the smeggy luck of somehow managing to be one of the only survivors and having to face the embarrassment.”  
“It wasn't your fault.”  
“You heard what Holly said.”  
“He said you were the last person to check the drive plate. That's all. Maybe it was fine when you saw it and the fault occurred later. And even if you did miss something, so what? You're human; humans make mistakes. It happens.”  
“My mistake killed a thousand people.”  
“But not on purpose. Besides, it shouldn't have been your responsibility. Z-shift doesn't do that stuff, it's way above our pay grade, man.”

“You know what the worst thing is?” Rimmer confided, sitting up and resting his head dejectedly on his knees. “It's the stuff I _don't_ feel bad about. I mean you, you had a life. Todhunter had a career and a family. You've both lost everything and everyone you cared about. But me? Obviously I feel bad about the crew, but I don't miss them. I'm not grieving for anyone. I don't care that I'll never see my family again. If anything that's a _relief_. The only person I've ever cared about is you, and you're still here. That's probably a terrible thing to admit.”  
“It's a weird compliment, but I'll take it.”  
“I never achieved anything, so I haven't lost anything. And now there's nothing left for me to achieve. I don't know which is sadder.”  
“Well, hold that thought,” Lister told him, “Because I have something to show you that might make you think twice.”

He stood up and held out a hand. Rimmer eyed him dubiously. “What do you mean?”  
“Come with me. I'll show you.”  
“Show me what?”  
“It's a surprise.”  
“I don't like surprises.”  
“Well, I do. And I'm looking forward to seeing your reaction to this one.” He leaned forward, grabbed Rimmer’s hands and started to heave him up.  
“Look, I'm not finished brooding yet,” Rimmer complained, resisting.  
“Yeah you are,” Lister told him dismissively, “And I'm not taking no for an answer, so move it.”

When they arrived back in the drive room, Todhunter was milling about awkwardly with his arms folded. Lister raised a questioning eyebrow, “Everything alright?”  
“Yes,” he replied, sounding uncertain, “But he took my chair.” He pointed over to his previous position by the info station. Sure enough, Cat had curled himself into an impossibly tight huddle on the seat, and his head was resting on a tiny satin pillow tucked onto his shoulder. “I tried to move him,” Todhunter added, “But he wasn't very obliging.”

“Who the smeg is this?” Rimmer demanded, eyeing Cat with deep suspicion.  
“This,” Lister told him gleefully, “is your legacy to the universe.”  
“My what?”  
“The cat you bought me for my birthday? Turns out she was up the duff. And she managed to survive the accident down in the cargo hold.”  
“Are you serious?”  
“Yeah! And she had kittens, and they had kittens, and so on; and over three million years of time and evolution this is what happened.”  
“So, he's a cat?”  
“Descended from cats,” Todhunter corrected, “His actual species is Felis Sapien according to Holly. Although Holly just made that up, so I'm not sure it matters much.”  
“So who says you never achieved anything?” Lister gave Rimmer a nudge, “A whole new species exists thanks to you.”  
“Is it intelligent?”  
“More intelligent than you monkeys,” Cat retorted without even opening his eyes. “Seems like only one of you has worked out how to shower.”   
“He can speak english?”  
“He can.” Todhunter allowed, “But so far, topics of conversation have been rather limited. I'm not sure where he learned to talk.”  
“Forget where I learned to talk, you monkeys need to learn how to shut up! People are trying to sleep!”  
“Maybe we should give him some space,” Lister suggested, sidling towards the door and beckoning to the others to follow him. “Let's just go back to my room for a while. I think it's time we all sat down together, don't you? And he's right. You two pong.”

Some time later, the three of them sat around the small table in Lister’s room. Fragrant steam crept in daintily from the open bathroom door. Lister didn't get up to shut it. He was feeling decidedly drained by now, and the familiar fresh smell was comforting. It smelt like normality.  
“So,” he asked his two companions, “what do we do now? Any thoughts?”  
“Ask _him_ ,” Rimmer grumbled, “He's the captain now, isn't he?”  
“I don't think it will work like that,” Todhunter replied mournfully, chin in one hand. “We're all in this together, we need to make decisions together.”  
“What? Without a chain of command, we'll fall into anarchy!”  
“Rimmer, there's only three of us,” Lister pointed out dryly. “Four of us,” he corrected himself. “I don't think we need fear the mob.”  
“But who'll be in charge?” Rimmer insisted, starting to look panicked.  
“Like Frank said, we make decisions together. Take a vote if necessary.”  
“What if the vote is a tie?”  
“Then we get Holly to settle it.”  
“That seems like a good idea,” Todhunter agreed mildly, “Although I'm not sure poor old Holly is everything he once was.”  
“Oi. I can hear you, you know.”  
“Sorry old chap. But you did call the spectrometer the 'spectacle-ometer' earlier.”  
“Let's see how sharp _you_ are when you're over three million years old, shall we?”   
“And I'm not sure how interested the Cat is in democracy,” Lister added, “But he lives here too, so we should at least try to include him.”  
“Mostly he seems interested in himself and his clothes,” Todhunter remarked, “He didn't want to talk about much else.”  
“He certainly wasn't interested in manners,” Rimmer complained, “And how do we know he's not dangerous?”  
“He's not shown any signs of aggression so far. And why would he? We don't pose a threat to him, we have nothing he wants. Other than mild curiosity, I don't think he gives two hoots about us or what we do.”  
“Which leads us back to my original question,” Lister looked back and forth between them, “What _are_ we going to do?”

There was a heavy pause. Eventually Todhunter sighed, “I know it's dreadfully bleak and none of us really want to think about it, but before anything else perhaps we should go about laying the crew to rest properly. I keep seeing those awful little heaps of dust everywhere and it gives me chills.”  
“Agreed,” Lister said softly.  
“What are we supposed to do?” Rimmer sniped, “Go around the whole ship with a dustpan and brush? It'd take forever.”  
“The skutters can do it quicker than we can. When it's done we'll hold a service for everyone.”  
“Yes, that will be very touching. What am I going to say? To our beloved ‘Insert Name Here’, didn't know you, but really sorry you got vaporised. I'll try not to let it happen again.”  
“Rimmer…” Lister warned gently.  
“Or perhaps you could try just not speaking at all,” Todhunter added irritably, “You could start practicing for it now.”  
“Frank…”  
“Well, it's no good going on about it! The damage is done.” He turned on Rimmer, “And quite honestly, I'd have more sympathy if you didn't seem to feel sorrier for yourself than for all the people who've died.”  
“At least they're just dead, not humiliated.”  
“Spare us the pity party. It's not becoming, and at this point it's narcissistic. There would have been a whole catalogue of failures for a disaster like this to be possible. There should be all kinds of systems in place to stop this happening. It's not just on you. Get over yourself.”  
“He's right,” Lister interjected quickly, “Remember what I said to you earlier? You shouldn't even have been assigned to that job. You weren't qualified. It wasn't fair on you.”  
“He wasn't supposed to do it alone,” Todhunter said.

Both Lister and Rimmer stopped and stared at him. Todhunter squirmed awkwardly in his chair. “ _I_ assigned Rimmer to that job.”  
“You?” Rimmer squawked.  
“Why?” Lister was astounded, “You know he's failed that exam a hundred times!”  
“ _Nine_ times, thank you so very much.” Rimmer sniffed.  
“Yeah, alright. But why?”  
“After that day when he came to your door and we talked about the…issues…he was having, I had an idea. I thought maybe if he could get some practical experience it would help him grasp the theory better, and vice versa. I put him down to tag along on one of C-shift’s rounds. Nothing too complex, just some maintenance checks. I don't know how he ended up going out to check the drive plates by himself; I suppose one of the team must have called in sick or something and no-one picked up on it.”

“Sooo…” Rimmer said slowly, tapping a finger thoughtfully against his lips, “What you're saying is…this is actually all _your_ fault.”  
“I wouldn't go that far.”  
“You put an unqualified technician on an inappropriate work round.”  
“You were only supposed to be shadowing them. Not doing anything difficult. I would have hoped you were sensible enough to call for assistance when you realised you were in way over your head. Apparently not.”  
“I shouldn't have been put in that position at all.”  
“I was trying to help.”  
“Were you? Or were you just setting me up for a fall?”  
“Oh, please. Do you really think I'm that petty?”  
“We aren't exactly chummy. Why would you go out of your way to help me?”  
“I didn't do it for you. I did it for Dave,” He cast a nervous look at Lister, “He was worried about you.”  
“Oh, so you were schmoozing for brownie points? I have to hand it to you, it was a good plan. If I did well, you got the credit. If I smegged up, it made me look stupid. Crafty.”  
“There was no plan! And you don't need any help looking stupid!”  
“Guys, stop.” Lister rubbed at his pounding temples.  
“Well, given how things turned out, I don't think I need any more favours from you, if it's all the same.”  
“Fine by me!”  
“Enough of this,” Lister growled firmly. “What's done is done, and we all have to live with the consequences. I don't want to hear any more about it. Let's move on.”

He turned to his vid screen, “Holly, can you please organise for the skutters to start clearing the ship of human remains.”  
“Okay, Dave. It'll take a while though.”  
“Whatever. We have time.”  
“So what do we do until then?” Rimmer asked.  
“We rest and recharge. Right now we're all food and sleep deprived. We get our smeg together, we take care of the funerals, and then we regroup and make real plans. Agreed?”  
“That sounds very sensible,” Todhunter conceded wearily, “None of us are at our best right now.”  
“I'll say,” Rimmer looked Lister up and down critically, “You look like crap.”  
“Love you too, Rimsy.”  
“I mean it. You look awful. Are you okay?”  
“I have the mother of all hangovers and you two squabbling smeggers aren't helping my headache.”  
“Drink some water and get some shut eye,” Todhunter advised, standing up. “We'll leave you to it.”  
“Where are you going to sleep? Your quarters are still quarantined.”  
“The ship is full of empty bunks. I'm sure I'll find one.” He pulled a face. “Preferably without its former occupant.”

“Oh, just stay here tonight,” Lister said impatiently, “You could spend hours walking around looking for somewhere.”  
“Excuse me? Why does he get to stay and I don't?” Rimmer demanded.  
“Because there's nothing wrong with your room,” Todhunter told him tetchily.  
“So you get to snuggle up with Listy while old Arnie heads back by himself like a chump? I don't think so. If _you're_ staying, _I'm_ staying.”  
“Guys…” Lister tried to speak.  
“What are you so worried about? It's not like we're going to get up to anything. Does poor Dave really look like he's in a fit state for any funny business?”  
“Then it doesn't matter if I stay too.”  
“There isn't space for both of us.”  
“Fine. Then I'll stay and you can sleep in my room.”  
“You don't need to stay. You _have_ a room.”  
“Guys…” Lister tried again.  
“Technically you don't need to stay either. You could stay in my room just as easily.”  
“Can we at least wait until Dave feels better before we start arguing over who stays over when?”  
“GUYS!” Lister stood up. “It's fine. You can both stay.”

Rimmer and Todhunter stared at him. “Really?” Rimmer asked.  
“Yes,” Lister smiled sweetly. Then screamed at them, “BECAUSE I’M SMEGGING LEAVING!”

He watched them both recoil with satisfaction. “You two have some nerve! In case you're forgetting, the status quo has changed. This is not a case of normal service resuming once I feel better. This is not a case of organising a rota for who stays when. As far as I'm concerned, my contract is over. I'm not under any obligation to continue providing services to _either_ of you. Any and all funny business is _cancelled._ Indefinitely! And I do not intend to spend the rest of my life listening to you two bitch at each other! So you are going to put aside this dumb rivalry and spend the night working this mess out and you are going to find a way to live with each other because I have had enough! Understand? ENOUGH.”

Lister marched to the door. “Where are you going?” Rimmer asked nervously.  
“I'm going up to the angry dome for some bloody peace and quiet.”  
“I thought that was the ‘angst bubble’” Todhunter risked a tiny smile.  
“WELL NOW IT’S MY ANGRY DOME AND NEITHER OF YOU ARE WELCOME IN IT!  GOODNIGHT!”

Rimmer and Todhunter looked at each other; sheepish and more than a little awkward. “So,” Rimmer asked, “Which side of the bed do you want?”


	6. Chapter 6

Lister slapped the lift button with more force than was needed, and flopped down moodily into a seat. _Gits_. Here he was, trying to make the best of a fairly horrific situation, and all they cared about was scoring points off each other and arguing over nookie rights. As if either of them even _had_ a right to nookie with him anymore. He scowled at the display as it charted the lift’s progress up through the floors of the ship. Of course, it wasn't like he had a lot of options now. Just days ago (or so it felt to him) he'd been feeling like he needed a break from sex, and fate had grinned and cracked its knuckles. Much as he was angry with his companions, he wasn't sure he was ready for a life of total celibacy.

He groaned and squeezed his throbbing head. This maudlin train of thought, along with his headache, suggested it was time for a hair of the dog. Maybe he could take a little detour.

  
Todhunter glared at Rimmer as he rearranged his pillows for the umpteenth time. “Why are you still here?” he grumbled. “Dave's gone. Your room is habitable. This is ridiculous.”  
“You heard what he said. We're supposed to talk.”  
“I don't think this is what he had in mind.”  
“Well, he wouldn't have got so upset in the first place if you hadn't been a jerk about me staying over.”  
“You were the one being a jerk! You didn't need to stay over. You STILL don't need to stay over!!!”  
“I don't know why you made such a fuss. This bed is more than big enough for all three of us.”  
Todhunter yanked some covers back territorially, “Rimmer, this bed ain't big enough for the _two_ of us right now.”  
“Look, you can go on being a moody cover-hog but it won't solve anything. And if either of us ever want to get back into this bed again, I suggest we start negotiating.”  
“Is that all you care about?”  
“No, it's not _all_ I care about, but I'm not going to pretend it's not a significant concern. And you can be as high and mighty as you like, but I imagine that the idea of Listy cutting off booty privileges for good doesn't sit well with you either.”  
“He's just upset. He didn't mean it.” Todhunter looked nervously at Rimmer. “You think he meant it?”  
“I lived with Lister for two years. He can be amazingly stubborn when he wants to be. And let's be honest,” Rimmer raised an eyebrow, “Do you really want to risk it?”

  
The silence hadn't really struck Lister until now. He stood at the top of the escalators, looking down at the empty mall. The cavernous space echoed with nothingness. His knees shook as he made his way down, every step conspicuously loud. The deserted corridors, the unmanned stations in the drive room, the general lack of people had all felt odd ever since he came out of stasis; but in small doses that was all it was. Odd.

But in this place, on this scale, it was terrifying. Lister suddenly felt very very small. And very very alone.

He scurried into the nearest supermarket, a three storey JMC superstore taking up one whole corner of the mall. Trying desperately to both avoid and ignore the haunting piles of dust scattered around the floor, he hurried to the alcohol section and grabbed a couple of bottles of his regular cheap ship-brand whiskey, then headed automatically to the line of checkouts, before realising he had no wallet with him.

He stood still, in the same spot, staring at the checkouts for a full ninety seconds as his brain whirred. As he slowly began to realise he didn't need his wallet. He didn't need to pay for anything. Who was going to stop him walking out of here with a couple of whiskey bottles? With ten whiskey bottles? A hundred? Why was he still picking up the cheap stuff? He could have whatever he wanted. Everything in this shop, everything in this mall, was there for the taking. “I'm rich,” he croaked in the silence, and started to laugh. He opened up one of the bottles he held, took a few good swigs, and then went to find a trolley.

 

“Okay,” Rimmer peered critically at the list he held, “So ground rules so far are as follows. Number one: You're not allowed to put me down in front of Lister.”  
“And vice versa.”  
“Two: No pulling rank. We are all equal members of the crew and our contributions are all valid.”  
“Yes, alright.”  
“Three: No smoking in shared areas.”  
“The whole ship is a shared area. And I don't smoke.”  
“That one’s for Lister.”  
“Ah.”  
“Disparaging remarks about others education, class and upbringing are off-limits.”  
“Does that apply to you as well?”  
“Of course it does. Why wouldn't it?”  
“So you're not allowed to call Lister an illiterate oik anymore?”  
“Well…”  
“Or make mean comments about academy educated toffs?”  
“ _Undeserved_ remarks about others education, class and upbringing are off-limits.”

  
Lister sailed into the lift standing on the back of a heavily laden shopping trolley, clutching a now half-empty bottle of whiskey and singing “Big Spender”. He surveyed his haul with satisfaction. Yes, this should be everything he needed for his new life. As the lift slowly began its ascent up to the observation dome, he tore open a packet of sugar puffs and munched contentedly.

  
“I can't help noticing,” Todhunter pointed out, “that most of these ground rules seem to work to your advantage.”  
“The rules are for everyone's benefit,” Rimmer replied loftily.  
“Okay, well how about I suggest a few more rules for everyone's benefit?”  
“Fine,” Rimmer handed over the list magnanimously, “Be my guest.”  
“Right then. Rule number eight: No quoting of space corps directives.”  
“What if it's relevant to the situation?”  
“If the space corps is defunct then so are its directives. Rule nine: Don't be a smeghead.”  
“What's that supposed to mean?”  
“What? It applies to everyone,” Todhunter said innocently, “It's easy enough to not be an arsehole, isn't it? To not be snide, sarcastic and insensitive to your crew mates?”  
“Easy for _you_ maybe,” Rimmer folded his arms. “Everything's rosy when you're handsome and clever and your hair is sleek and manageable.”  
“Was that a compliment?”  
“No. I'm just saying it's easy to be good when life is good to you.”  
“Well, right now I wouldn't say that life has been particularly good to any of us. So maybe the very least we can do is be good to each other. Agreed?”

Holly appeared on the vid screen and eyed the two of them sitting side by side in bed. “Blimey, you two worked out your differences quickly.”  
“We're just talking!” Rimmer snapped, throwing aside the covers to prove the presence of intact undergarments.  
“Alright, keep your hair on. And I'd suggest putting some trousers on too.”  
“Why?”  
“I think Dave could use a bit of help.”

  
Cat followed the new smell along the corridor. Things had certainly become more interesting around here since the monkeys had appeared. All of a sudden, all kinds of new scents were cropping up. Food smells, hormone smells, emotions and pheromones. Outside a small open door, he found a strange gadget. A silver cage with little wheels. He rolled it back and forth experimentally, then scent-marked it. This nifty thing might be useful _and_ it was shiny. He was about to wheel it away with him, when he caught the scent again, wafting through the open door. He put his head through and sniffed. There were stairs leading up. He followed his nose.

A few steps up, he found a pair of cashmere socks lying abandoned on the ground. He looked about furtively, then tucked them away inside his jacket. A little higher, and he found a tiny golden square. He picked it up and sniffed it, then tasted it cautiously. It was sweet. He crunched it down and continued upwards. He was finding all sorts of cool things on this hunt.

Eventually the steps opened out into a big bubble. He looked around curiously but couldn't see anything interesting. Just stars. He'd seen stars before. In the middle of the bubble, there seemed to be a large but primitive tent, made up of sheets and blankets thrown over various pieces of equipment. There were twinkly lights inside, and the strange smell was coming from within. Cat got down on all fours and poked his head in.

The ground was covered in rugs and pillows. His monkey-bud was reclining inside, sipping something from a bottle - the source of that weird smell - and surrounded by snacks. He looked up and saw Cat. “Hey!”  
“What is this?” Cat asked.  
“Itsh my howsh,” the monkey slurred, “I livesh here nows. Up in the bubble dome with all the feelsh.”  
Cat crawled inside and made himself comfy. It was warm and soft and nice. He settled in contentedly. Lister offered him the bottle companionably, and he took it, sniffed and then tasted it. “Ugh, your firewater is yucky, bud.”  
“Well, dun drink’t then. Here,” Lister tossed him a bag of the sweet golden crunchies, “Sugar puffs.” Cat took them eagerly.  
“Y’know, youse my birfday present,” Lister explained to him.  
“I'm what?” Cat asked with his mouth full.  
“Youse my birfday present. Your whole speeshees. All for me. How cool’z at?”  
“Uh-huh,” Cat nodded. He had no idea what the monkey was talking about, but so long as he was willing to share his food, he was all ears. After a while, the monkey stopped talking and flopped down on the cushions, moaning softly. Cat yawned and curled up next to him where it was warm and cosy. The monkey appeared to rouse for a moment, then reached over and scratched the back of his neck affectionately, “Nishe kitty. Yer a good present.”

  
Todhunter climbed the steps up to the observation dome with Rimmer behind him, both of them a little timid. Lister had made it rather clear when sober that he was annoyed with them; they weren't sure how he was going to react to them when drunk. Holly seemed to think it was time to intervene though. Todhunter made it to the top first, “Good grief!  I can smell the booze from here."  
Rimmer peered around his legs, “What's that?” He narrowed his eyes, “Is that a blanket fort?”  
“Yes. It's also half the contents of the ship's mall.” Todhunter walked over and started to pick through the pile in disbelief. Rimmer joined him. “What's this? Salad tongs? What does he want with salad tongs? He's never touched a salad in his life!  
“Never mind the salad tongs,” Todhunter dug out a large silver pot, “What does he want with a pressure cooker? There's not even anywhere to plug it in up here.”  
“Let's just be grateful for that, okay? I survived a radiation leak, I don't want to get taken out by an explosive chicken casserole.”

Todhunter put the pot down and Rimmer peered at the tent, “Is he in there?”  
“I suppose so.”  
“Do you think he's still angry?”  
“I don't know. Ask him.”  
“ _You_ ask him.”  
“Oh, for smeg’s sake. If Holly’s right then he's probably not even conscious.”  
“Shtill angree,” a grumpy voice from inside the tent confirmed, “Gerrout of my bubble. Jusht me’n my kitty allowed.”  
“Yeah,” Cat stuck his head out and grinned smugly, “Members only.”

Rimmer marched forward and pulled the tent down with one sharp tug, sending sheets, blankets and fairy lights tumbling into a pile. Cat scrambled out and disappeared down the steps with a hiss, clutching a bag of pretzels. Rimmer and Todhunter dug Lister out. “Shmeg off,” he put an arm over his face, “I'm ashleep.”  
“No, you're pished,” Rimmer snapped, “And Holly says you've got alcohol poisoning. Time to go to the medibay.”  
“Come on, Dave,” Todhunter tried the softer approach, “Up we get. You'll feel much better after a little stomach pump and a nap-nap.” They hauled him up and tried to get him to walk, without success.

“I can't rem’mber where I parked the car,” Lister slurred.  
“It doesn't matter. You don't need it.”  
“I dun think I should try’n drive home.”  
“Agreed,” Rimmer said dryly.

Together, they shouldered him and staggered towards the steps. “Weee,” he said faintly, “I'm flyin’. Whoosh.”  
“Lister,” Rimmer said through gritted teeth, “I know you're not going to remember this, so I'm saying it now. You might be cute, but you're a total gimboid git.”  
“Cheer up,” Todhunter said, “At least he's not surly. It could be worse.” Lister chose that moment to be sick over both of them.

After a short, horrified pause, Todhunter said wearily, “You know what? Arnold’s right. You're cute, but you're a git.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

When Lister finally woke up in the medibay, he was pleasantly surprised to discover that he actually felt better than he had in days. Okay, his throat was a little sore, and he felt a bit groggy, but he didn't feel sick.

Rimmer was sitting at the side of his bed, with his arms folded and his expression stern. “So, the booze beast finally wakes. How do you feel?”  
“Okay,” Lister wriggled to a vaguely upright position, “My stomach doesn't feel like it's swimming with hot vinegar anymore.”  
“Good for you. Let's hope your liver recovers as quickly.”  
Lister patted his tummy nervously, “Yeah. Little guy took one for the team there. But I’m okay.” He glanced up at Rimmer anxiously, “Aren't I?”  
“You will be. But the medibot says no more alcohol of any form for two weeks. At _least_ two weeks. And then only in moderation.”  
“You know what? I think I'm okay with that.”  
“I should think so. Your blood alcohol level is probably still over the limit, and that's after a stomach pump and an IV flush. What were you thinking?”  
“Whiskey mostly, if I remember.”  
“I said _thinking_ , not drinking!”  
“Ah. Well, I was probably thinking about how I'm alone in deep space, and my crew mates are a pair of knobheads who only care about me for one smegging reason.”  
“Oh, wah-wah-wah.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You heard me. We had to carry you from the Obs dome all the way to the medibay; and you might be short, Listy, but you're not _light_.” Lister made a scandalised noise. “ _And_ you were sick on us,” Rimmer added, “So welcome to Club Knobhead, because you're indisputably one of us.”

“Ooh, is he awake?” Todhunter strolled in and patted Lister’s shoulder. “Welcome back, Dave.”  
“At least _you're_ pleased to see me,” Lister remarked, glaring at Rimmer.  
“Don't be silly. We're both pleased to see you,” Todhunter told him, “We were worried.”  
“Yes, Rimsy seems beside himself.”  
“I said you were a knobhead. That doesn't mean I wasn't concerned about you.”  
“Arnold, remember rule number nine,” Todhunter said meaningfully.  
“Let's add another one,” Rimmer grumbled, “Rule ten: No getting legless and blowing chunks over your crewmates.”  
“Wait, we have rules now?” Lister asked.  
“Arnold and I thrashed out a few guidelines to promote more harmonious living onboard.”  
“Oh, good. Well, I've got another one for you. Rule eleven: Don't be a smeghead.”  
“That's already rule nine,” Rimmer replied, “Which you would know if you hadn't gone storming off to break rule ten.”  
“Okay, okay,” Todhunter sighed, “We've all made mistakes over the last few days. Let's just wipe the slate clean and start again, shall we? Dave, are you feeling up to the memorial service we talked about?”  
“Already?”  
“We'll have to do a few. The first group are ready though.”

Lister was quiet for a moment. Somehow the idea of having the service made it all seem horribly real again. It was a chilling reminder that the crew hadn't just mysteriously disappeared; they had died. He took a deep breath. “Yeah. Okay. It's gotta be done.”  
“Good man. Take a few hours to prepare yourself. Have a think if there's anything you'd like to say. I'll see you both in the drive room at fourteen hundred.” He gave Lister’s shoulder a quick squeeze, nodded to Rimmer, and headed out.

“He seems to be more on top of things now,” Lister remarked.  
“He's an officer,” Rimmer shrugged, “Stiff upper lip and all that. They're trained to deal with difficult situations.”  
“No-one is trained to deal with something like this.” He looked curiously at Rimmer. “How about you? You feeling any better?”  
“Yes,” Rimmer said thoughtfully, “I don't feel so much now like it's all my fault.”  
“That's good,” Lister said encouragingly.  
“I mean really, when you get right down to it, it's actually more your fault than mine or Frank’s.”  
“You what?!”  
“Well, he wouldn't have assigned me to that shift if he hadn't been trying to please you; and maybe I would have picked up the fault if I hadn't been fretting about that smegging cat I got for you. So effectively you're the root of the problem.”  
“The root of the problem is that you two are a pair of dorks with your brains in your balls,” Lister snapped, “And that's nothing to do with me.” He hauled himself out of bed, and swayed slightly before he found his feet.

“What about you?” Rimmer asked. “Are _you_ okay?”  
Lister thought again of the empty shopping mall, and of the afternoon that lay ahead, and the fact that he couldn't have another drink for a fortnight or more. “No,” he said honestly, “I'm not.”  
“Oh,” Rimmer said. After an awkward pause, he added nervously “Do you want to talk about it?”, his entire being projecting utter panic at the thought. His obvious terror drew a microscopic smile from Lister. “Relax, man. No. I don't want to talk about it. What is there to say? This is our life now. You, me, Frank, Holly and the Cat, stuck on this ship together until the day we die. And no offence, but that's not the future I had in mind. So, yeah, I need some time to deal.”  
“Fair enough. As you say, this isn't the future any of us had planned.” Rimmer got to his feet and headed to the door, “Just try to remember that things could be worse.”  
“Yeah, we could all be dead. I know, man.”  
“Or you could have got stuck in stasis by yourself and ended up totally alone. Imagine how crappy _that_ would be.” Lister shuddered at the thought. Oblivious to his distress, Rimmer went on, “Or worse still, you could have got stranded out here with someone really annoying. Some total gimboid with irritating habits, painfully dull hobbies, and zero social skills. I mean, Todhunter isn't my favourite person in the world but he's not _that_ bad.”  
Lister stared at Rimmer, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both. “Yeah,” he said simply, “That would suck.”

At two o’clock they assembled in the drive room. Rimmer and Todhunter wore their white dress uniforms, Lister wore black. A towering mound of canisters had been loaded into the airlock, stacked like baked bean tins, awaiting ejection into the void. They took it in turns to read out from the long list of names. Lister didn't know many of them. Todhunter said a few words, but kept it vague and generic. How could you pay tribute to so many people individually? Lister was guiltily glad when it was over and Todhunter pushed the big red button to release the airlock. “How many more of these do we need to do?” Rimmer asked tetchily.  
“Three probably” Todhunter sighed, “Maybe four. It should take the skutters about six weeks to do a total sweep of the ship and make sure we haven't missed anyone.”

Lister sank into one of the swivel chairs and pulled out a cigarette. “Rule three: no smoking in shared areas,” Rimmer said immediately.  
“I'm not smoking,” Lister replied pettily, “I haven't lit it yet. And you're breaking rule nine by nagging me about it before I've done anything wrong.”  
“The cigarette is in your hand.”  
“But I'm not smoking it, am I?”  
“Stop bickering,” Todhunter interrupted. “Dave, if you want the cigarette go and have it in the coffee room down the hall.”  
“Seriously? You're taking his side?”  
“You're the one who said yesterday that we need to find a way to live together. That's going to mean sticking to the ground rules.”  
“ _I_ didn't agree to the ground rules,” Lister argued, “You two made them up.”

Todhunter hesitated and looked at Rimmer, “He's got a point. They should really be agreed on by everyone.”  
“Do we really need to sit down and vote on every little thing? That seems very bureaucratic.”  
“Well, that should please you then,” Lister muttered.  
“Let's sit down together tonight and go through it. We probably don't need to vote on everything, just the things we can't all agree on. Like this.”  
“Fine. I'll try and find the Cat so he can have a vote too,” Lister agreed grudgingly.  
“You really think that moggy mutant will sit down and have a sensible conversation?”  
“He might,” Todhunter mused, “He seems to have taken to Dave.”  
“Really?” Lister asked, surprised.  
“He brought you a present when you were in the medibay. It was an empty packet of sugar puffs, but I think for him it was a big gesture. _A_ gesture anyway.”  
“A nicer gesture would have been to let us use the shopping trolley to actually get him to the medibay,” Rimmer groused, “Instead of saying ‘That's mine’ and hightailing it off down the corridor.”  
“Give it time. He's not used to other people or social etiquette.”  
“Well, he's got all the time in the world to get used to it,” Lister got up and stretched. “Because it doesn't look like we'll be going anywhere soon. I'll see you two later.”  
“Where are you going?” Rimmer asked.  
“To have a smoke without you complaining about it.”

Todhunter watched him go with concern. “He's very depressed still, isn't he?”  
“We did just have a funeral for three hundred people,” Rimmer reminded him dryly.  
“I know but…he's not himself.”  
“Let's see. Drinking too much? Check. Smoking in inappropriate places? Check. Being an argumentative little git? Check. No, he seems pretty much like himself to me.”  
“I really don't understand you,” Todhunter said. “You complain about him, and you pick on him, and you criticise him non-stop but you're as crazy about him as I am.”  
“So?”  
“So if he annoys you so much then what's the attraction?”  
“Well,” Rimmer seemed rattled by the question, “It’s Lister, isn't it? He's like a rash. He's irritating, but he's the itch you can't stop scratching.”  
“How romantic.”  
“Look, it's really not that complicated,” Rimmer rolled his eyes, “I like all the same things about him that you probably do. But unlike you, I know his faults. He can be sweet and sexy, and he's dynamite in bed, but Lister is not perfect. You only see what you want to see. I see what's really there. And personally, when it comes down to it, I think that's worth more than romance.”

 

Lister walked back into the Copacabana with some trepidation. The remains of the birthday party still lingered like ghosts, but thankfully the remains of the crew had finally been taken away. They would be canned and labelled now, ready to be loaded into the airlock for the next round of goodbyes. Lister took a deep pull on his cigarette to steady his nerves. That was going to make the next service a lot harder.

He made his way over to the gift table. Todhunter’s comment about the Cat bringing him a present had stirred his memory and he'd remembered all the stuff he'd opened up while pissed, and subsequently forgotten about. It seemed disrespectful, especially now. He couldn't even remember what was there, and certainly wouldn't remember now who had bought what, but felt like he should collect it all anyway.

He retrieved a bin bag from behind the bar to carry everything and started to pick through it all. He managed a wan smile at some of the items. His scathing remark to Todhunter before the party hadn't been totally wide of the mark. There were a fair number of assorted sex toys in the mix. As if he needed any more.

“Dave,” Todhunter's voice made him look up, “What are you doing in here?”  
“Collecting my birthday presents three million years too late,” Lister said heavily, “It seemed like it was time. What are _you_ doing here?”  
“I wanted to check on you. I was going to do it anyway, but when Holly said you were in here I was concerned.”  
“You thought maybe I was planning to hang myself with my birthday banner?”  
“Don't make jokes like that. I was more worried you might be drinking again. You could have died last night, you know, if Holly hadn't alerted us.”  
“What’s one more canister to fill? One more name to read out?”  
“Dave…”  
“Oh, calm down. I'm not suicidal. I'm just depressed. Aren't you?”  
“Yes,” he agreed with a sigh, “I think that's natural in the circumstances. I just don't want to lose anyone else. Especially you.”  
“Screw Rimmer, right?”  
“ _No_ ,” Todhunter scolded, with a wry smile, “Not ‘screw Rimmer’. I don't want him to die either. But obviously my feelings for you are different. And whether you realise it or not, you are the key to whether we can make this situation work.”  
“Me? Why me?”  
“Because you are the one thing we all have in common. Me, Rimmer, even the Cat. He barely speaks to us, but he was very happy sitting with you in your blankets. If he's going to engage with us, become part of the team, it will be through you. You are the most important person on this ship right now. You are what holds us all together.”  
“No pressure then.”  
“I'm not asking you to lead. I'm just asking you to engage. Be here with us, be part of things, be _you_.”

Todhunter looked down at the remaining presents scattered across the table. “Although Rimmer tells me I don't really know you. That I have some idealised caricature of you fixed in my mind that isn't real.”  
“He may have a point,” Lister said, “But I'm not sure that his version of me is all that accurate either if it makes you feel better.”  
“I don't know. He was right about one thing.”  
“What?”  
“Your birthday present. I mean, what he did was insane, don't get me wrong. But he knew how happy it would make you to have a pet.”  
“So what did _you_ get me?” Lister asked, then smiled feebly, “I already know it wasn't one of these.” He picked up a dildo and prodded him with it teasingly, “You promised me nothing kinky.”  
“Much as I hate to say it, Rimmer was right again. I didn't know what to get you, so I threw money at the problem and got you an expensive toy.”  
“So where is it?”  
“Probably still where I left it hidden three million years ago,” Todhunter went to the bar, knelt on a stool and opened up the large storage cupboard above. He lifted down a guitar case, with a ribbon around it. Lister took it from him meekly. “You bought me a new guitar?” he asked softly.  
“Not any old guitar. I know how much you love that old Les Paul so I didn't try to replace it. I went in the other direction.”  
Lister pulled off the ribbon, opened up the case, and gasped. “Oh wow.” He reverently lifted out the gleaming cherry red instrument. “Is this what I think it is, man?”  
“It's a genuine vintage 1954 stratocaster. Especially vintage now, I suppose.”  
“Are you nuts? These cost well over a grand, Frank. How did you even find it and get it here in time?”  
“By the skin of my teeth. It arrived in the post pod just hours before the party.” Lister gazed at it, overwhelmed. “I'm a little embarrassed now, to be quite honest,” Todhunter admitted, “It was rather vulgar of me to spend so much, and I’m sure it probably would have made you feel awkward more than anything else. But none of that really matters now.”

Lister very carefully put the guitar back in the case and then stepped forward, putting his arms around Todhunter and burying his face in his shoulder. “I don't know what to say. I mean, you're right,” he chuckled softly, “If you'd handed me that guitar in front of everyone three million years ago, I don't know what I would have said or done. It's way too much, man. But smegging hell, it's hard to think of anything else you could possibly have found that I would love more.”  
“Well, I suppose that's something.”  
“It's crazy,” Lister shook his head, starting to laugh. “Both of you managed to get me really amazing, thoughtful, personal gifts that were both somehow wildly inappropriate.” Todhunter snorted a laugh too, and they held each other for a few minutes, giggling like kids, before Lister finally stepped away.

“Ugh,” he smiled sadly. “What am I supposed to do, man?”  
“In general?” Todhunter asked. “Or…?” He looked at Lister hopefully.  
“Yes, _or_. What am I supposed to do about you two?”  
“I can't answer that for you,” Todhunter said. “As you rightly pointed out last night, you're not obligated to do anything unless you want to. _Do_ you want to?”  
“Yeah,” Lister admitted, “I do.”  
“You know how I feel. I think you know how Rimmer feels.”  
“Even Rimmer doesn't know how Rimmer feels.”  
“When it comes to you, I assure you he does.”  
“He's been an arsehole to me all day.”  
“He’s annoyed with you. But he didn't leave your side until you woke up.”  
“Has he said anything to you?” Lister asked suspiciously.  
“Given the circumstances, do you really think we wouldn't have discussed it at all? The only question here, Dave, is how do _you_ feel?”  
“I feel like the best thing to do is the one thing none of us want. Which is nothing.”  
“Then that's what we'll do. Until you feel differently. In which case I will take my leave, because the urge to kiss you is getting painful. I'll see you later for the pow-wow.”  
“Okay,” Lister agreed quietly. When Frank was gone, he sighed deeply and leaned against the table. Because smeg it all, he'd wanted that kiss too, and more.

He picked up another dildo and toyed with it despondently. Maybe he'd hang onto a few of these after all. Sexual tension was a bitch.


	8. Chapter 8

Lister headed back to his room with the bag full of gifts and his new guitar. He propped the strat carefully against one wall and reminded himself to buy (or rather loot) a real stand for it. The rest of the gifts he shook out onto the bed and began sorting through. There were a few useful things; jumpers, toiletries, cologne, some nice silk boxers. He gathered up the assorted sex paraphernalia and tossed it into the storage trunk he kept other such things in. One item caught his eye, and he shamefully drew it out again and looked it over thoughtfully.

It felt like a long time suddenly since he'd last had sex; and technically he supposed it was. Even if he'd only been out of stasis less than a week, and he'd spent most of that time out of his skull, he’d become used to a high level of sexual activity that had abruptly ceased. He hadn't even had a self-induced orgasm since the accident. But those brief moments of intimacy just now with Frank had reawakened his libido. The warmth of another body, the simple pleasure of being held by someone. Now he was craving more.

He turned the item over in his hands. He'd never actually used something like this, at least not by himself. His job made it rather unnecessary. Dicks were in bountiful supply when you were the Relations Officer on a ship this size. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he'd even had a wank that hadn't been at a client’s behest. _Well_ , he thought to himself, _I'm free now to wank at my own behest_ ; and snorted in amusement. Yeah. Why the smeg not? It might even be good for him. Relieve some of the tension.

He went into the bathroom, shed his clothes, and prised open the plastic packaging. The dildo popped out neatly into his hands, its rubber texture surprisingly lifelike. There was a large suction cup on the bottom. Lister gave the whole thing a quick rinse under the tap, unscrewed the sucker end, and poured in some lube. Then he put it back together, stepped into the shower and mounted it firmly to the tile with a decisive _splot_ and eyed his handiwork critically. That should do the job.

He turned on the shower and gave himself a brisk clean, eyeing his plastic companion warily. It eyed him back. He reached over and gave it an experimental squeeze, and lube seeped from the tip. “Keen, eh?” Lister murmured to it. “Okay then, big fella. Let's see whatcha got.” He gave his cock a few skilled strokes, quickly bringing it up to full firmness, then turned around and positioned himself over the dildo. A brief slideshow of everything that could possibly go wrong with this venture zipped through his mind; his feet slipping on the shower floor, the suction cup giving out at the wrong moment, Cat deciding to make another impromptu bathroom visit. His cock decided it was too late to worry about any of those things now and he agreed, but braced himself firmly against the wall as he eased himself down onto the dildo. If Rimmer didn't appreciate having to take him to the medibay for a drinking binge, he certainly wasn't going to appreciate it for this.

He bit down on his lip as he penetrated himself inch by inch, one hand still gripping his erection, until he was deliciously full. Smeg, he hadn't even realised how much he'd missed that feeling. His mind went back to those moments just now with Frank. Those warm strong arms holding him. The familiar scent of his skin. He rocked himself gently on the dildo, stroking his cock, imagining those arms around him now. Remembering the way that Frank liked to fuck him, sweet and slow, while whispering words as blue as Neptune in his ear.

He began to move faster, thinking of Rimmer now, and Rimsy never had enough breath to talk dirty. Rimmer fucked like his life depended on it, as though Lister might vanish from his arms at any second. He would pound him into exhausted bliss, then pause to catch his breath and do it again. And again. And again.

He massaged his aching balls with his free hand, grinding himself ecstatically on his new toy, all self-consciousness abandoned now as he remembered every time he'd been fucked this way: from that first time with Gary murmuring gentle encouragement in his ear, to pretty little Laurie Holland making him plead for more as she tormented him with her favourite strap-on. But again and again his mind brought him back to his two favourite boys, and he wanted them here now, both of them. He wanted their bodies wet under the shower with him, wanted to ride them and suck them and feel their hands and mouths on every inch of him. Every…smegging…inch…

The strength of his orgasm took him by surprise and he tried to bite back his yelps of pleasure, then gave up and let himself scream. Fuck it. Who was going to hear him now?

Once he'd recovered, he rinsed both himself and the toy off and gave himself a vigorous shake. Hell, he'd needed that more than he'd realised. He plucked the dildo off the tiles with a naughty smile, “Don't let it go to your head,” he told it cheerfully, “I'm still bigger than you.” He tossed it into the cupboard under the sink and dried himself off, then wrapped the towel around his waist and went to get dressed.

And stopped dead at the sight of Rimmer, Todhunter and the Cat sitting around his table. Cat was scoffing down a piping hot vending machine meal. Rimmer and Todhunter were looking at him with identical smirks. “Ready for that pow-wow?” Todhunter asked, his eyes twinkling.

  
…“Okay, so we’re in agreement,” Rimmer made a tick on his pad, “Insulting each other's mamas is frowned upon, but acceptable in extreme circumstances. But grandmothers are off limits.”  
“Do we really need this in writing?” Todhunter asked, frustrated.  
“Yeah,” Lister agreed irritably. He was dressed now in jeans and a t-shirt, but his face was still at least two shades redder than normal. “Shouldn't we be focusing on more practical stuff, like respecting each other's personal space?”  
“Such as?”  
“Such as not walking into someone's quarters half an hour earlier than expected and making yourself at home.”  
“This may seem like a terribly strange and complex solution to you, Listy,” Rimmer said, “But have you considered perhaps…locking the door?”  
“There's four of us on a spaceship five miles long! I shouldn't _have_ to lock the door.”  
“Holly said it was okay for us to come in. Besides, it's not like it would have made a difference anyway. We'd have heard you from the other side of the ship.”  
Lister glared at him poisonously. How was it possible to go from fantasising about fucking someone to fantasising about strangling them so smegging quickly?

“Be that as it may,” Frank still looked highly amused by the whole thing, “He's right, Arnold. We shouldn't have invited ourselves in. He was in the shower, after all.”  
“So? It's nothing we haven't seen before.”  
“This isn't a difficult concept, Rimmer,” Lister snapped. He was sleepy now as well as embarrassed, and wanted a snooze. “All I'm asking for is a bit of privacy.”  
“Fine, fine. New rule. Knock before entering someone’s room.”  
“Thank you. And while we're on the subject, don't mess with other people's stuff.”  
“What's that supposed to mean?”  
“Where's the throw for my bed gone?”  
“What throw?”  
“The leopard print one.”  
“How the smeg should I know?”  
“You two stayed in here last night, so what did you do with it?”  
“We didn't touch your stupid throw.”  
“Well, where is it then?”  
“Probably up in the Obs dome with all the other stuff you took up there.”  
“But I didn't take anything from here with me.”  
“It'll turn up,” Rimmer said impatiently. “Let's move on.”

“Cat, do you have anything to add?” Todhunter asked encouragingly.  
Cat thought about it then shrugged. “I don't care. So long as you monkeys don't touch my suits, everything's cool.”  
“I think that's easy enough.”  
“Or my hair gel,” Cat added as an afterthought. “Or anything that's mine.”  
“Thank god we got that straightened out,” Rimmer remarked, adding it to the list.  
“Is that it?” Lister asked impatiently, “Are we done?”  
“Yes, I think so. We just all need to sign it.” He passed it round the table. Lister helped Cat write a wobbly C. “There,” Rimmer said cheerfully. “No more arguments.”  
“Right,” Lister said cynically.

“There is one thing we haven't discussed,” Todhunter raised. Lister and Rimmer looked at him warily. “We haven't decided on any real plan. What is our focus going to be? What's our goal? Our mission?”  
“That's easy,” Rimmer said, “Go as long as we can without dying or going nuts.”  
“That's not very ambitious.”  
“It might be harder than you think.”  
“It will be easier to get through this if we have a purpose.”  
“Well, I know what I want,” Lister said quietly. “I want to go home. That's the only reason I ever set foot on this smegging ship.”  
“Is that realistic?”  
“I don't care. Anyone got any better ideas?”  
“We’d have to go back into stasis if we were going to have any chance,” Todhunter pointed out.  
“Not necessarily. We might find a shortcut.”  
“A shortcut?” Rimmer repeated doubtfully.  
“Or discover some new technology. A faster than light drive or something. It's not impossible.”  
“No, I suppose not.” Todhunter mused. “Who knows what might happen?”  
“Exactly. Who knows? Let's try it.”

Rimmer sighed indulgently, “Okay. Why not? It's not like I have anywhere else to be. Earth it is then.”  
“Will there be food there?” Cat asked eagerly.  
“Yes,” Lister told him. “Rivers and oceans full of fish. You'll love it.”  
“Very well. We'll get Holly to plot a course tomorrow.” Todhunter stood up. “Good work, chaps. I think we've made some progress.”  
“Yes,” Rimmer stood up and stretched, “It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you _come_ together, isn't that right, Listy?”  
“Smeg off. Frank, do you have somewhere to sleep?”  
“Yes, I’ve found some empty quarters that will do.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Holly says my room should be decontaminated in a day or two anyway, so it's not for long.”  
“Okay then.”  
“If you want some company, _I_ could stay,” Rimmer offered hopefully.  
“I'm fine.”  
“You only just got out of the medibay. Maybe you shouldn't be alone.”  
“He said he's fine,” Todhunter butted in, his tone amiable but with the slightest edge of warning.  
“Yeah. Thanks for the concern, but I can take care of myself,” Lister added firmly.  
“So we heard.”  
“And now you're definitely not staying. Out.”  
“Oh, come on, it was just a joke!”  
“Out!”

When they'd left, he thumped his head down on the table with a moan. At least he hadn't screamed out any names.


	9. Chapter 9

A couple of days later, Lister was plucking thoughtfully at his new guitar when Holly appeared on the monitor in his room. “Just a heads up, Dave. The next batch of crew canisters are ready whenever you fellas are ready to pay your respects.”  
“Cheers Hol,” Lister said heavily. He'd been dreading this. Given the clearance of the Copacabana and the likely list of who had been there, he knew that many, if not all of his close friends were among those canisters. “Do the others know?”  
“Yeah. Arnold's heading down to the drive room when he's changed. Frank's going to be a while. He's still sorting out his room.”  
“He's back in?”  
“I reopened his floor of the officers’ decks this morning.”  
“I'll go see if he needs a hand.” Lister carefully put the strat back in its case. He very much doubted that Frank needed any help, but it might put off the inevitable for a while.

He took the lift up and made his way along to Todhunter's quarters. He'd only been there once, but still remembered the number. When he arrived, he saw two black bags outside the door. Frank was obviously going through the same process he had, of disposing of anything that hadn't survived the three million year hiatus. He popped his head through the door, and was surprised to see Frank sitting slumped at the table, a picture in front of him. “You okay?” he asked tentatively.  
Todhunter looked up and gave him a broken smile. His eyes were wet. “Dave. I'm sorry. I let myself wallow a bit there.”  
“It's okay,” Lister came in and perched on the table beside him. He looked at the picture. It showed Frank with his arms around the shoulders of a pretty young woman.

“Is that your wife?” he asked softly.  
“Yes. That's Gilly.” Todhunter shook his head. “Daft, isn't it? I thought I had my head round this. And then I walked back in here this morning and it was like a slap in the face.” Lister knew what he meant. He'd experienced the same shock on going back to his room that first time. The sense of time suspended. Of a life interrupted. “I tried to shake it off and get on with what had to be done. But then I saw this picture. And I remembered I'm never going to see her again. She lived out her life without me and I'll probably never know what happened to her. She's just a fossil now.”

Lister swallowed hard. Since they'd come out of stasis, he'd barely even thought about the fact that Frank had left behind a family. A wife, parents, siblings. Lister was free from such connections, and Rimmer wilfully so. He suspected that maybe Frank had tried to push thoughts of his loved ones to the back of his mind while they all found their feet, but you could only avoid things for so long.

He studied the picture. A petite blonde with a pixie cut and a feisty smile. She made him think of Tinkerbell and he smiled sadly. “She's very pretty.”  
“Yes. She was.” Todhunter glanced up at him fondly, “And a lot like you in many ways. I think you would have liked each other.”  
“I'm sure we would.”  
“It seems almost disingenuous now to cry for her, considering…”  
“Considering what?”  
“Considering _you_.”  
“She was your wife, Frank.”  
“I know. And I loved her. Even now, I think I still do. But if this hadn't happened….If we'd all gone back to Earth like we were supposed to…I don't know how things would have turned out.”  
“What are you saying?”  
“It's pointless now to speculate. Like you told me before, it was too soon to think about it. Anything could have changed by the time it would have mattered.”  
“But…?”  
“Gilly and I always agreed to an open marriage while I was gone. I suppose part of me hoped that in a perfect world…if you were willing, and if she was willing…that might have continued.”  
“Those are pretty big ifs.”  
“Well, she was always open-minded. But you're right, I can't say for certain if she would have gone along with it. Or you for that matter. But I think if I'd had to make a decision, I know what I would have done.” He put a hand over Lister’s.

“Are you telling me you would have left your wife? For me?” Lister was astounded.  
“Are you really that surprised?”  
“Well, yeah.”  
“I hadn't seen her for years. Even when you love someone, that takes a toll. We'd grown apart. I'd become much closer to you.”  
“But Frank, we weren't even in a relationship.”  
“Not in the traditional sense, no.”  
“The traditional sense? I was professionally banging half the crew!”  
“I know that; and I'm not deluded enough to take it as read that you would have dropped everything and run straight to my arms as soon as that situation changed. You would have had other options. Several, I imagine. But if you'd wanted it, if you'd wanted _me_ , I would have been ready to do whatever you needed me to do.”  
“You'd have been a damn fool to kick that gorgeous woman to the curb for the ship's bike.”

“I don't care what you did, or how many people you did it with. I'm just honoured to have been one of them. And I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  Besides, it's entirely possible that she'd made her own decisions while I was gone. She could have met someone else herself. We'll never know what might have been." He stood up and gently tugged Lister down off the table and into his arms.  "But I do know that I've had a crush on you since we met.” He reached up to stroke Lister’s cheek, “And I've been in love with you since the night I took you out on that date.”

He kissed him.

Lister’s heart did a flip. As sweet as this moment was, they were severely rocking an already rocky boat. He wasn't ready yet to make a decision about what he wanted, and knew he couldn't make any decision without hurting someone. But smeg, this was nice. This felt so good and he didn't want to stop.

“I'm ready for the service when you are,” Rimmer said stonily from the doorway. Lister and Todhunter jumped apart guiltily, but it was too late. Rimmer glared at them both. “I'll wait down in the drive room.”  
“Rimmer, wait,” Lister called, but he didn't. He turned and left without another word. “Oh smeg.”  
“I'm sorry,” Todhunter said, “That was my fault.”  
“It was both our faults. I'd better go talk to him.”  
“Do you want me to come?”  
“It's probably better if you don't. At least not right away. Give us a few minutes.”

He followed Rimmer down to the drive room. He glared at him resentfully as he came in. “Are you ready to start now? Or do you need a few minutes to shag first?”  
“That's not necessary.”  
“Are you sure you can wait? This might take some time and I don't want you two getting overcome with lust and humping on the instrument panel halfway through. It's not respectful to the dead. Don't mind me though. It's not like I matter.”  
“Look, I'm not going to pretend that what you saw back there was nothing. But it's not what you think it was either. It was just a moment, okay? It wasn't anything dramatic.”  
“Don't bother, Lister. I can see how it is. I'm not a fool.” Rimmer turned away. “You're in love with him. I knew it when I saw the two of you in the stasis booth that day. I thought stupidly that maybe I still had a chance, but clearly not.”  
“It's not like that.”  
“It's fine. I understand. He's an officer and a gentleman. He's charming and capable. He always knows what to say. He was always going to win.”  
“Well, he doesn't insult me daily, which is certainly a bonus. I mean, let's talk seriously for a moment, Rimmer. You haven't exactly been all that nice to me recently. It's almost like since you're not getting anything out of it anymore, you've decided it's not worth the effort.”  
“That's not true!”  
“Frank told me just now that he loves me. Do _you_? Or was it only ever about the sex for you?”  
“Of course not.”  
“So what then? You told me the other night that I'm the only person you've ever cared about, but you don't _show_ it, man!”

Rimmer fidgeted uncomfortably, “I'm not good at that stuff.”  
“You don't say!”  
“I'm not used to it. It sounds wrong coming from me. I can't find the words, and even when I do they're never the right ones. But when we were…in bed…together… I didn't need words to tell you how I felt. I could show you.”  
“Rimmer, do you realise that you have never even _kissed_ me?”  
“Is that really relevant?”  
“Yeah, I’d say it's smegging relevant.”  
“Kissing is hard.”  
“It really isn't.”  
“Yes it is! Sex is easy once you know how to do it. It's technical, like vending machines. You pull the right levers, press the right buttons, and you get the right result.”  
“Nice,” Lister said sarcastically.  
“But kissing is the same as words. A kiss _says_ something. It's an art and if it says the wrong thing, in the wrong way, then it ruins everything.”  
“Rimmer,” Lister stepped forward, “I've seen your sketchbooks. Hell, I've seen your smegging revision timetables and I can tell you now, you are a far, far better artist than you ever were a technician. Do you love me?”  
“I don't know,” Rimmer replied fretfully, “I don't know what love is or how it works. I never have. But I know you make me feel things that nobody else ever has.”  
“Then kiss me now.”  
“What?”  
“Kiss me, god-smegging-dammit. Do it! If you can't tell me how you feel then let the kiss do it for you. Kiss me!”

Rimmer stepped up, grabbed him by the arms, and did as he was told. Lister was fully prepared for it to be a lousy kiss, but thought even so that it would tell him something. He was not prepared for it to be an amazing kiss. And it was. Oh crap, it _was_. It was incredible. When Rimmer's lips finally left his, he whispered, “Wow. You _do_ love me.”

  
Holly’s voice intruded on their moment of intimacy. “Dave, Arnold, I need a quick word.”  
“Not now, Hol.”  
“It's important.”  
“Unless it's life-threatening then smeg off!” Rimmer snarled.  
“Um…”  
Lister and Rimmer's eyes widened in unison. “What d’you mean, _um_?” Lister demanded.  
“You know how I reopened part of the officers’ decks this morning?”  
“Yeah.”  
“The decontaminated bit?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I may have got confused.”  
“Confused how?” Rimmer narrowed his eyes.  
“I may have reopened the wrong bit. A still contaminated bit.”  
“What???” Lister and Rimmer yelled together.  
“I would strongly recommend that you all hurry to the decontamination showers on G-deck. As fast as possible.”

They arrived at the showers at almost the same time as Todhunter, all of them panting. “Quick, in you get.” Holly urged them.  
“Hang on a minute,” Lister squinted, “These are all out of order!”  
“Nah. Number six is working. I've been meaning to get the skutters to sort the rest out, but you know how it is. Didn't think we'd need them. Always the way, innit?”  
“So we've got to take it in turns?”  
“No time. You’ve taken too long as it is. Just squeeze in together. There's room.”  
“All of us? Together?” Todhunter asked nervously.  
“You can't be serious,” Rimmer folded his arms.  
“Do you want radiation poisoning?” Holly stressed.  
“I don't believe this,” Lister muttered. “Alright, fine, everybody in.” He started to strip off.  
“Can I at least keep my pants on?” Rimmer bargained.  
“Sure. If you want to risk losing anything you keep in them.” Holly retorted.  
“Oh, smeg it all.”

  
The three of them huddled silently shoulder to shoulder in the stall, as the blue-tinged ion water cleansed them. Lister stood in the middle, eyes closed, trying to breathe normally. He could hear Rimmer and Todhunter trying - and failing- to do the same. _Don't look at them. Do not open your eyes. Do not think about their naked bodies touching yours, or the way they both kissed you just now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not think about what you were thinking about in the shower the other night. In fact, don't think about that shower at all!!!_ After what felt like forever, the water stopped. “Okay,” Holly sounded bored, “You can get out now.”  
“Are we clean?” Rimmer checked anxiously.  
“Yeah, you're fine,” Holly confirmed. They all stepped self-consciously out of the cubicle and started to dry off. “Doesn't really matter anyway,” Holly confided sheepishly. “False alarm. I did open the right bit after all.” All three of them froze and glared at his monitor. “So that’s good news, right?” he added cheerfully.

Rimmer balled his fists. “Holly, I swear on the rings of Saturn, if you weren't a computer I would cause you actual physical pain right now.”  
“Charming.”  
Lister sighed and shared a pained look with Todhunter. “Whatever. Let's all just get dressed, ok? We still have a funeral to go to.”

Once they'd disappeared, Holly tutted and shook his head. “Gordon Bennett, they don't take a hint, do they?” He looked down at the skutter scooping up their discarded towels. “I mean what is it going to _take_?” The skutter shrugged its claw and scooted off.

 


	10. Chapter 10

They trudged back to the drive room in an awkward silence. Much as Lister had been wanting to put this off earlier, he was now grimly grateful to have a distraction; even one as unpleasant as this.

That feeling didn’t last. As Frank started to read through the long list of names, Lister struggled to maintain his composure. It was as bad as he had feared. The morbid roll-call contained every one of his closest friends, and most of his regular clients. Logically he knew it didn’t make any difference whether these names were read out altogether now, or gradually over the next six weeks. The people were still just as dead either way. It wasn’t like any of them were getting a reprieve. But smeg, it was tough to mourn so many at once, and he did his best to remember each of them. He took his turn to read, trying to keep his voice steady. He almost managed it too; but one name made him pause, and his voice cracked just slightly as he read out “Kristine Kochanski.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rimmer and Todhunter share a glance, then look at their feet.

When the awful task was finally done, Todhunter reached for the airlock release. Lister took his arm.  


“Wait,” he said hoarsely. “I’d like to do it.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah. But...I’d like a moment to myself before I do. Is that okay?”  
“Of course.” Todhunter caught Rimmer’s eye and nodded to the door. Rimmer nodded reluctantly in return and headed out. Todhunter gave Lister a gentle pat on the back and followed him.

Lister stood alone, staring at the red button. “I’m sorry,” he said eventually. “You all deserved so much better than this. There’s so much more I could have said about so many of you. So many ways in which I could have remembered you properly. I’ll have to do that later, in my own time, and I promise I will.” He gulped in some air. “I know Frank says it’s not just one person’s fault. But I can’t help but wonder...if I’d gone into stasis when Hollister gave me the chance, would it have changed anything?” He hiccuped a small sad laugh. “Smeg it all. You know what? If I’ve got to blame someone, I’m blaming you, Kriss. All of this started when you dumped me. In another universe somewhere, maybe the drive plate got fixed properly because you and I were happily shacked up together, and Rimsy and Toddy had their minds on the job. I suppose it’s pointless to think like that now. And I know you can’t hear me but I want to tell you, no matter how angry I was with you for how things ended between us, I wouldn’t have wished this on you. Never.” His voice broke.  
“I don’t think you need to tell her that, Dave,” Holly said gently, appearing on the monitor. “Wherever she is, she knows.”

Lister sniffed sadly and wiped at his eyes, and asked the question that had been nagging at him since he read out her name. “Was she there, Hol? At the party?”  
“Yes,” Holly told him, “She was there.”  
In his mind he heard an echo of Frank’s voice. _Did you hear Kochanski broke off her engagement?_ He shoved the memory away. He’d never made it to the damn party, so what did it matter if she’d been there or not? What were the chances she’d actually have thrown herself at his feet begging for another chance? And what possible difference could it have made? He wasn’t allowed to date anymore, and wasn’t sure he would have taken her back either way. It wouldn’t have changed a thing.

“You know,” Holly said cagily, “maybe this isn’t the best time to bring this up, what with the current situation being somewhat complicated already, but...if there _was_ someone you desperately wanted to see again, for whatever reason, there is a way.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Red Dwarf can sustain one hologram. I didn’t revive anyone when you lot came out of stasis ‘cos there didn’t seem much point. Frank is senior enough and capable enough to deal with any problems that might crop up. You’ve got Rimmer and the Cat to keep you company when you need it. But like I said, if there was a certain someone you really wanted back, even just to ask them something or say something you never got to say, we can work something out.”

Lister considered for a moment or two , then shook his head sadly. “What’s the point now? What’s in it for her? Being a hologram isn’t exactly a bundle of laughs. Floating around unable to touch anything, projection sputtering every time there’s interference. What kind of life is that? If she’d really loved me maybe it would be worth it, but she didn’t; and I can’t give her the one thing she wanted from me if I can’t touch her.”  
“What about someone else then? One of your mates maybe?”  
“How do you choose one person out of a thousand? And how do you justify bringing someone back to this? I can’t drag someone else into this mess to be stranded out here for another three million years. It’s not fair.”

Lister looked down at the red airlock release button. “Let the dead rest in peace,” he said quietly. “Goodbye everyone. See ya on the other side.” He pressed the button and released the canisters into space and watched them slowly drift away.   
“Fair enough,” Holly said, “If you change your mind just let me know.”  
“Nah,” Lister said distantly, “You were right. I’ve got everyone I need.”

  
Todhunter looked over at Rimmer sheepishly as they walked away from the drive room. “I feel like some sort of conversation is probably needed.”  
“No offence,” Rimmer grumbled, “but we just saw each other naked. I’m not sure I can deal with eye contact right now, let alone conversation.”  
“What you saw...”  
“It doesn’t matter what I smegging saw. Okay? If you’d followed Listy down to the drive room, you’d have seen the same thing. As far as I can tell, we’re even.”  
“He kissed you?”  
“He asked me to kiss him. He wanted to know if I love him or not.”  
“And?”  
“He seemed satisfied with the response.”  
“So what does that mean?”  
“It means nothing’s changed.”

At the end of the corridor, a phoney parrot with eye-wateringly bright plumage perched atop a plastic palm tree branch over a doorway. Todhunter looked up at it thoughtfully. “Let’s have a drink.”  
“What? You and me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”  
“I’m not suggesting we get Listered,” Todhunter replied with a wry smile, “But a few wouldn’t hurt. It’s been a trying day.”  
“Just today?”  
“You in or not?”  
“Yes, alright.” Rimmer relented wearily. “After all, I never got that spritzer on Lister’s birthday, did I?”

They headed into Parrots, and Todhunter went behind the bar while Rimmer eased himself up onto a stool and looked around. “I haven’t been in here since they did the place up.” He eyed the plastic aviary dubiously, “Nice to see they kept the ambience.”  
“Yes,” Todhunter agreed. “That was the last time I was here too. The night it got trashed.”  
“You mean the night Lister got hammered and instigated a riot, and muggins here had to come and collect him.”  
“Yes, I remember it well. Although ‘instigated’ is a bit harsh. It wasn’t his fault people got a bit overexcited.”  
“It’s his fault he got too wasted to get home by himself.”  
“It was a tough time for him.” Todhunter passed Rimmer a spritzer and poured himself a whiskey. “I wonder sometimes if he ever really got over her.”  
“No point worrying about it now,” Rimmer remarked sourly, “Things are hard enough without competing with a dead woman too.”  
Todhunter winced, but let it go. “You saw how upset he was just now.”  
“He’s sentimental, that’s just how he is. It’s one thing getting a bit weepy now she’s gone, but before the accident he didn’t want anything to do with her.”  
“He might have changed his mind. She’d ended things with Tim. I think everyone knew why.”  
“So what? Even if he forgave her, she’d still have to book an appointment like the rest of us.”  
“If he thought there was a chance they could work things out maybe...”  
“Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Who cares? She’s gone. And given the events of today, I don’t get the feeling Lister is going to spend the rest of his life in faithful mourning. We don’t need to worry about Kochanski. The race is down to just you and me, Miladdo.”

Todhunter sipped his drink, “I suppose it is. But how do we resolve this?”  
“We can’t. He’s got to choose.”  
“And if he can’t? Or won’t? Do we spend forever in a knot of sexual tension and resentment?”  
“He’ll decide who he wants eventually.”  
“Is that actually any better? What happens to the loser? Realistically, are either of us prepared to just stand down graciously? Do you think you can handle spending the rest of your life alone, seeing Dave in my arms every day? Because I don’t think _I_ could handle that if it went the other way.”  
“Well, that’s the difference between you and me, isn’t it?” Rimmer said bitterly.  
“What? You’re so much more mature? So much more generous?”  
“No,” Rimmer said disdainfully, taking a deep swallow of his drink. “You’re used to getting what you want in life. I’m used to disappointment.”

They sat in silence for a minute, drinking their drinks, while Todhunter absorbed this. “You know, I asked you the other day what you saw in Dave,” he said finally. “Maybe I should have been more interested in what he sees in you.”  
“What? Like a ‘know your enemy’ kind of thing?”  
“I don’t want us to be enemies. Like I said, we’re all stuck together whatever happens. I just want us to understand each other. Dave told me once that there were things I didn’t know about you. Things that changed how he saw you. Maybe it would help if I knew more about you too.”  
“Ha! If you really want to get into that, we’re going to need some more drinks.”  
“Am I opening a can of worms?”  
“Toddy,” Rimmer drained his glass, “you’re opening up a whole _dimension_ of smeg.”

  
Lister returned to his room, lay down on his bed, stared up at the ceiling, and said “Fuck,” very loudly and clearly to the empty air. He automatically went to burrow under his throw for comfort and realised peevishly it was still missing, and he couldn’t be bothered to go up to the Obs Dome to try and find it. He wasn’t certain it was up there anyway, he still couldn’t remember most of that night. Oh, why did everything have to be so smegging _hard_?

What was he going to do? What _could_ he do? He couldn’t choose between them even if he’d wanted to. Maintaining the status quo of life before the accident - a relationship with both and a commitment to neither - wasn’t feasible. Their jealousy and constant rivalry would make life impossible. A veto on any and all romantic entanglements simply wouldn’t hold; he had too much affection (and desire) for both of them to stay away indefinitely.

He thought for a moment about what Todhunter had said to him earlier. Lister wasn’t sure he ever would have felt comfortable becoming an added extra in Frank’s marriage, no matter how open-minded or attractive his wife was. But given the option of settling down together, just the two of them, could he have gone for that? What might that life have looked like? He pictured a nice house on a tree-lined street somewhere, bought with Frank’s officer-level earnings. A pleasant sea-side town, with a boho atmosphere, and strings of coloured lights around the harbour. Frank would be a respectable pillar of the community, organising charity events and garden fetes. Lister would find a band to play his guitar with in the pub in the evenings. They’d support the rubbish local footie team. He pictured himself a little older, happy and secure, a little chubby from weekly chip suppers on the beach and neighbourhood bake-offs, and content with it.

Or what about Arnie? Could they have thrashed out something resembling domesticity inbetween fighting and fucking? They’d scrape the money together for a fixer-upper that Lister would spend years doing up at weekends. Rimmer would constantly complain that the house was a mess, and Lister would flick paint at him to wind him up. He would cook and Rimmer would clean. They’d spend hours side-by-side working on their different hobbies, luxuriating in the rare silences when they were at loving peace instead of loving war. Every year they would send passive-aggressive Christmas cards to Rimmer’s family, gleefully shoving their happiness in their snobby faces.

He put his hands over his eyes in despair. Silly unobtainable fantasies weren’t going to help him, or make him feel any better. He let himself replay the memories of Frank’s gentle worshipful kiss, contrasted with Rimmer’s fierce outburst of passion. The image of the three of them in the shower together swam before him and he shivered with frustration. Why couldn’t they just...get on with it? Why couldn’t they all just get on, and enjoy being together without fighting, and have glorious multi-limbed, intricate, acrobatic threesomes that left them breathless and satisfied and too tired to squabble? Was that _really_ too much to ask? 


	11. Chapter 11

Lister was still lying on his bed in a world of his own when Holly appeared on his screen. “Alright, Dave?”  
“Yeah,” Lister grudgingly hauled himself to a sitting position, “What’s up?”  
“Nothing much. But I thought you might want to head up to Parrot’s Bar.”  
“What for? I’m not supposed to be drinking, remember?”  
“I know. But what you find might give you a good laugh.”

Lister heard the sound of distant music as soon as he stepped out of the lift. He followed it down the corridor to the familiar frontage of Parrot’s and wandered in. He looked around curiously. Rimmer was onstage singing karaoke off-key. The Cat was watching him from a table with an expression of abject disdain, and a ridiculous cocktail in a plastic pineapple festooned with umbrellas. Todhunter was sitting at the bar, chin in hand, watching the display with an expression of resigned despair mixed with pity.  
“What’s going on?” Lister asked, bewildered.   
Todhunter glanced up, “Ah, hello.” He looked vaguely embarrassed.  
“I can’t believe this!” Lister said indignantly, “Here’s me, can’t touch a drop for ages, and you lot decide to go off and get pissed without me!”  
“That wasn’t the intention,” Todhunter sat up straight and stretched, “But things escalated rather quicker than I expected. On the upside, Arnold and I had really quite a productive chat.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes. I must say you were right. Once you find out a bit more about him, it all starts to make sense, doesn’t it? He’s had a rotten time.”  
“He told you about his family then?”  
“Well, some of it. Enough to get an idea anyway. It’s no wonder he’s a bit messed up.”  
“Mmmm,” Lister looked over to the stage, where Rimmer was still warbling his way through ‘Getting To Know You’ and pulled an anxious face. “How many has he had?”  
Todhunter glanced at the empty glasses on the bar. “Three,” he said.  
“Three?!”  
“I didn’t expect the effect to be quite so dramatic.”  
“Are you kidding? That’s two more than his normal limit.”  
“Seriously?”  
“Frank, it’s _Rimmer_. He doesn’t exactly get a lot of practice.”  
“Ah. Fair point.”  
“Come on. Help me put him to bed. He’ll feel like death in the morning.”

He hopped up on the stage as Rimmer was giving his stirring finale. “Day by daaaaaaaay!”  
“Okay, songbird,” Lister gently took the microphone away, “That was quite some performance but I think you’re done.”  
“Listy! Sing a duet wiv me!”  
“Boo!” Cat yelled from below, “Get that guy off the stage! I’ve heard fire alarms that sounded better than that!”  
“No more singing tonight,” Lister agreed, pulling Rimmer’s arm around his shoulders and leading him away.   
“Awww. But I was gonna be Julie Andrews next.”  
“Not tonight you’re not. Time for Rimsy to go beddy-byes.”  
“With you?”  
Todhunter joined them and slung Rimmer’s other arm around him to assist. “I think your own bed will do just fine, Arnold.”  
“I don’t know,” Lister said cautiously, “Maybe I should keep an eye on him tonight. He’s not used to this.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah. My room is nearer anyway.”

As they took the lift back down, Rimmer still treating them to the greatest hits of Rogers and Hammerstein, Todhunter sighed wearily. “You know, it would be nice if we could manage to go just one week without anyone getting rat-arsed.”  
“I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” Lister told him lightly, “It’s your turn next. I’d make the most of it if I were you.”  
“Don’t tempt me.”  
“Besides, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. You’re the one who got him drunk.”  
“I didn’t mean to.”  
“A likely story,” Lister teased. “Come on, fess up, man. That shower earlier opened your eyes, did it?”  
“God, don’t remind me,” Todhunter cringed. Lister half-wished he hadn’t reminded himself.  
“Well, it would certainly make my life easier,” he remarked, and slumped back in his seat with a sigh. “It’s been a weird day, hasn’t it? Mind you, I suppose they all are now.”  
“Yes. But today has been particularly eventful,” Todhunter agreed quietly.   
Lister looked at him, “So, are you going to tell me what was going on back there?”  
Todhunter shrugged, “There’s no mystery. I just thought we should have a talk, that’s all. I thought a few drinks might make it easier.”  
“Did it?”  
“To begin with. Like I said, we got to know each other a bit better.” He glanced over to Rimmer who was halfway through an enthusiastic rendition of ‘The Lonely Goatherd’. “Although I’m starting to regret discovering a shared love of musicals.”  
“At least it wasn’t a shared love of Reggie Wilson. I’m not sure how I would have coped with that.”

Todhunter looked at him shyly. “He told me you kissed him.”  
“Of course he did.” Lister rolled his eyes.  
“Should I infer anything from that?”  
“No. No more than you did from me kissing you.”  
“Then I suppose I can’t complain.”   
“And I suppose I shouldn’t. But I’m gonna. This is getting really tough, man, and I don’t know what to do.”  
“I’m afraid we weren’t able to find a magic solution either. We just have to soldier on until a solution presents itself.”

They bundled Rimmer down the corridor to Lister’s room, popped his shoes off and tucked him into bed. He started snoring almost instantly. Lister smirked. “Well, that wasn’t so hard. Watch him for me for a minute while I brush my teeth, okay?”  
“Yes, alright.”

Lister stared hard at himself in the bathroom mirror as he got ready for bed. _Soldier on until a solution presents itself_ , Frank had said. But a solution wasn’t _going_ to present itself. This wasn’t going to just sort itself out. They had to find a way to make it work.

He stepped out of the bathroom in his t-shirt and boxers, and saw Todhunter sitting at the table, half-dozing. “Hey,” he said gently and he opened his eyes and shook himself.  
“Sorry. Drifting off there.”  
“How many did _you_ have?” Lister teased.  
“One more than I should have probably.” He climbed to his feet. “I think I should hit the hay as well.”

Lister climbed into bed beside Rimmer and then looked up and held out a hand to Todhunter. He looked back at him blankly. “Stay,” Lister clarified softly.  
Todhunter looked uncertain, “Really?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”  
“Yeah,” Lister said again. Then added, “Please.”

Almost reluctantly, Frank got undressed to his shorts and slid into bed beside him. Lister pushed Rimmer over a little to make room and he stopped snoring for a moment to look up and see what was going on, then put his head back down and snuggled into Lister. “Smegging told him...” he muttered thickly.  
“Told him what?” Lister asked, amused.  
“Bedz more’n big nuff for all of us,” Rimmer grunted.   
Lister smiled and shared a look with Todhunter. “See? Plenty of room if we all squish up.”  
“It might work for tonight,” Todhunter said more seriously, “But what about tomorrow?”  
“We’ll worry about it when tomorrow comes. For now, let’s just get some sleep. Lights!”  
The room went dark and he wriggled to get himself comfy. Rimmer threw an arm over his chest and pressed his face into his shoulder. After a few moments, he felt another warm hand on his stomach. Lister smiled. “I missed you two,” he whispered.  
“Is this a compromise?” Todhunter whispered in his ear.  
“No. It’s a solution,” Lister whispered back and closed his eyes.

  
Lister was the first one to wake in the morning, unhampered by a hangover. He stirred, and found himself in the centre of a tangle of limbs. On his right, Rimmer had an arm and a leg slung over him. Todhunter was spooned tightly to his left, arm snugly around his waist. Matching erections pressed into his hip and his thigh, and his own was cheerfully joining the fun by making a mini tent in the duvet. He lay between them for a little while, enjoying the moment of quiet closeness, before reluctantly extracting himself from the pile and scooching to the end of the bed to get out. He took himself into the bathroom and closed the door quietly.

When he re-emerged, showered and refreshed, he smirked at the sight that greeted him. The void left by his absence had been closed as his two companions, still sleepily seeking his warmth, had found each other. They were curled up together under the covers, still dead to the world. Lister did what anyone in his situation would do. He sniggered, took a picture of them, and then put the kettle on.

He positioned himself at the table with a pot of tea, and watched with merry interest as they gradually started to wake. Todhunter roused first, shifting in his sleep and grinding his hips against the warm body against him with a contented murmur. The movement disturbed Rimmer, who scowled and moaned as consciousness - and his hangover - began to kick in. “Ugh. Oh smeg. My head. Lister, get me some painkillers, stat.” Todhunter opened his eyes a sliver and examined his bed partner, then made a face and rolled away with a disgusted noise. Rimmer, finally prising his eyes open, squinted back at him. “What the...?”  
“I’m over here,” Lister sang quietly from his chair. The two of them looked up bleary eyed at his smug cheshire cat grin. “Good morning.”

“When did you get up?” Todhunter asked.  
“A little while ago. It’s been heart-warming to watch you two snuggling.” He sipped his tea.  
“I feel sick,” Rimmer announced, rubbing his forehead.  
“Charming,” Todhunter retorted, “I’m not overjoyed about it either, you know.”  
“No, I mean I _really_ feel sick, you goit.”  
“There’s water and meds on the nightstand,” Lister told him. Todhunter crawled out of bed and made a beeline for the tea while Rimmer washed down some tablets. “What on IO was I drinking last night?” he groaned.  
“White wine spritzers,” Todhunter told him, amused.  
“Well, no wonder I’m a mess.”  
“You animal, Rimsy,” Lister chimed in playfully, “We had to put you to bed.”  
“Don’t laugh at me. It’s not that long ago we had to put _you_ in the medibay. At least I wasn’t sick on anyone.”  
“No, but we did have to listen to you singing karaoke.”  
“You’re hardly Frank Sinatra.”  
“What are you talking about? I’ve got a fab voice.”  
“You sound like a wounded hippo.”  
“ _You_ sound like a parrot with laryngitis.”  
“You both sound like petty children,” Todhunter chipped in, sipping his tea. “Hush. It’s too early for this.”

“You know, I think I liked you both better when you were asleep,” Lister muttered.  
“Well, is there a reason we all ended up sleeping in your bed?” Rimmer asked huffily.  
“Yes. Partly to check you didn’t choke on your own vomit in the night, and partly because I just felt like having the company.”  
“Just company?”  
“Yes, nothing happened.” Lister swirled the remains of his tea pensively. “But maybe it could.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, maybe this is the answer to our little problem.”  
“What?” Rimmer looked petrified, “You mean...a threesome?”  
“No. Well, yes. But not just in bed. I mean the three of us together, in a relationship. Taking care of each other. Loving each other. Not just sex.”  
“That’s preposterous.”  
“Why? We’re stuck together whether we like it or not. Why not make it enjoyable? Why not dispose with the need for jealousy and rivalry and loneliness, and make the most of what we have?”

“It sounds very nice in theory, Dave,” Todhunter said, “But the reality might be a little less rosy.”  
“I thought you’d be more optimistic than that,” Lister told him. “I mean, you were the one daydreaming about a life where you, me, and your missus were all shacked up cosily.”  
“Well, daydreaming is one thing, reality is quite another. Besides, I think Gilly - may she rest in peace - was a little more easy going than Arnold.”  
“Oh, so _I’m_ the problem with this plan?” Rimmer piped up indignantly.  
“Let’s face it, you’re not exactly the most relaxed person in the universe. This sort of arrangement requires give and take. Compromise.”  
“Look, I’m not saying it will always be easy,” Lister stressed, “There will be fights, there will be issues, there will be problems. But we’ll work through them.”  
“You really think we can manage that?” Rimmer asked cynically.  
“Yeah. Because no matter how difficult it gets, it will always be better than the alternative of spending the rest of our lives lonely.” He looked back and forth between them pleadingly. “I love you both. I’m sure that in time you’ll come to love each other too.” He noted their doubtful expressions. “It’s got to be worth a try. Please, just think about it.”

“Emergency,” Holly’s voice interrupted, “There’s an emergency.”  
“Oh, for smeg’s sake,” Rimmer groaned, clutching his head, “Really? Now?”  
“Well, not right now,” Holly admitted, popping up on the monitor, “But incoming. There’s a major dust storm in our path, it should hit us in around twenty-four hours.”  
“So? What do you want us to do about it? Shoo it away?”  
“I thought maybe you could sing some more and frighten it off.”  
Todhunter stepped in firmly before the squabble could continue further, “What’s the projected duration?”  
“Couple of days maybe.”  
“Do you need us to do anything?”  
“Maybe just keep an eye on the damage reports, look out for any screwy readings that suggest the instruments might be getting clogged, that sort of thing.”  
“Can’t you do that?” Lister asked.  
“I’m going to be concentrating on other stuff. Like, you know, making sure we don’t fly into a moon because I can’t see where we’re going. I’ve got to focus on keeping an eye out up ahead until we’re through it.”  
“How come we’ve suddenly got to start doing the grunt work?” Rimmer complained. “You’ve been navigating this ship through the universe without our help for three million years.”  
“Then maybe it’s time you started pulling your weight. This ship is meant to have a whole crew, if you recall. I’ve been doing the work of a thousand people while you lot were taking a nap. Even with an IQ of six thousand that’s a strain.”  
“So with _your_ IQ it’s a miracle,” Rimmer sniped.

“Alright, alright. We can man the drive room for a while,” Todhunter agreed. “It’s probably a good idea for us all to be familiarised with the equipment anyway, in case of a genuine emergency.”  
“Good,” Holly said, “And if you get bored then Maria Von Trapp over there can serenade you a bit more.” He winked off while Rimmer swore vehemently at his screen.  
“Come on then, troops,” Todhunter finished his tea and stood up. “Let’s get up and at ‘em. It looks like it’s time for us to start actually running this ship.”  
“Can you show us what to do?” Lister asked anxiously.  
“Yes, I’ll go through everything with you. Don’t worry about that. And Rimmer?”  
“Yes?”  
“If you should feel the urge to take Holly’s advice, I must warn you that any further yodelling will not be well received by either of us.”


	12. Chapter 12

Todhunter gave them a brief tour of the different stations in the drive room, explaining as simply as he could what each screen represented and what to look out for. Then he gave them two stations each to monitor, and took on the rest himself. “If you see anything coming in outside of the normal ranges I showed you then let me know,” he told them. “I’ll check it out and assess whether it’s an issue or not.”

“Hey look at me,” Lister said cheerfully, “I’m an officer!” He spun his swivel chair.  
“Are you taking this seriously?” Rimmer folded his arms, “The safety of this vessel and all onboard rests with us. We need to be professional. Vigilant. _Responsible_.”  
“Oh, relax. We’ve been floating out here for millions of years. There’s not going to be any major catastrophe because we spent one day at the controls.”  
“That doesn’t mean you don’t have to concentrate. Frank, tell him.”  
“He’s right, Dave. I know it’s boring but you do need to pay attention.”  
“See? If you won’t listen to me then listen to him. He knows what he’s talking about. He’s a proper officer.”  
“Okay, okay. I’m concentrating.”  
“Are you? Or are you just pretending to so you don’t get nagged?”  
“Frank, as you’re a _proper_ officer, can you tell Rimmer to concentrate on his own stuff instead of watching what I’m doing?”  
“Heads down, eyes forward. _Both_ of you.”  
“Yes, sir,” Rimmer said smartly.   
Lister rolled his eyes, “This is like being back at school.”

After a while, the Cat wandered in wearing a crisp red suit and black shirt, and carrying a meal tray. He made himself comfortable at a vacant station. “You,” Rimmer pointed to him threateningly, “Don’t spill anything and don’t touch anything. This is highly sensitive equipment.”  
“Aw, leave him alone,” Lister protested, “He’s not doing any harm. He just wants to sit with us.”  
“Who says I want to sit with you?” Cat retorted. “Just because you guys happen to be in here, doesn’t mean that’s why I came in. I chose this place totally at random. The fact you’re here too is a total coincidence.”  
“Alright, keep your fur on. We get it. You’re a cat, you don’t need us.”  
“That’s right. And don’t you forget it.”

After finishing his food, he slunk over to Lister’s console. “So, what are you monkeys doing? And what’s all this stuff?” he gestured to the colourful data streams undulating on the screen.   
“We’re making sure the ship is running okay,” Lister explained. “These screens tell us about things happening inside, and these ones tell us about things happening outside.”  
“Why do you need to know?” Cat asked, puzzled, “The ship’s always been here, right? It’s not just gonna disappear.”  
“No, but it might break. Things can go wrong.”  
“But if you push the right buttons it will fix it?”  
“Well...sort of.”  
“Do NOT push any buttons,” Rimmer warned Cat with an accusatory point of his finger. “Buttons are for people only, not puddums. Do not press anything, is that clear?”

Cat hissed at him quietly, then without breaking eye contact very deliberately jabbed at a random button on Lister’s console. “Cat!” Lister scolded.  
“That’s it! Out!” Rimmer barked.  
“Cat, perhaps you should find something else to do,” Todhunter said as tactfully as possible. “We are a bit busy right now.”  
“Fine,” Cat mooched sulkily to the door, “I ain’t interested in your dumb buttons anyway. I got my own stuff to do.”  
“I think you hurt his feelings,” Lister told them reproachfully.  
“What? You think we should just let him mess around with the controls to his heart’s content?”  
“He wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t been a jerk about it. Besides...” Lister trailed off as he caught a glimpse of his screen. “Oh.”  
“What is it?” Rimmer asked anxiously.  
“Frank, can you take a look at this?” Lister called nervously.  
“I knew it!” Rimmer trilled. “What’s he done? What did he press?”  
“Cat didn’t do anything. He pressed the smegging ‘Print Screen’ key, that’s all. Calm down.”

Todhunter leaned over Lister’s shoulder to look at the screen. “Hmmm...”  
“Is that normal?” Lister asked.  
“No,” Todhunter acknowledged, “But it’s probably not too crucial.”  
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Rimmer demanded.  
“One of the SEDA’s isn’t feeding back, that’s all.”  
“What is that? Is it a problem?”  
“It stands for Space Environment Data Acquisition,” Todhunter bit his lower lip, thinking. “It captures info about the conditions outside - neutrons, plasmas, high-energy light particles, dust, that sort of thing. If one isn’t working then it’s not catastrophic, but it does mean the overall readings will be inaccurate.”  
“Can you fix it?” Lister asked.  
“Yes, probably. It’s most likely just been knocked a bit loose by some debris.”  
“Well, let’s get out there then.”

Todhunter frowned, “All of us? I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. You two don’t have a lot of space walk experience.”  
“Are you kidding? With all the PD we’ve done between us?” Lister pointed out with amusement. “We’ve probably spent more time outside this ship than you have!”  
“Even so, it only needs one of us to fix the sensor.”  
“So let us watch. There’s only the three of us left to carry out any repairs, we all need to learn as much as we can.”  
“I suppose that’s true,” Todhunter allowed.  
“And I’m booooooored sitting here,” Lister admitted, stamping his feet impatiently. “Come on, let’s _do_ something.”  
“Oh, alright then. If you’re that keen. But you have to promise - both of you - that you’ll follow my instructions to the letter. And if we’re all going, then we use a tether line.”  
“A tether line?” Lister scoffed, “I haven’t used one of those since training!”  
“We’re not taking any chances. Remember, we’ve got no backup anymore if things go wrong, particularly if all three of us are out there.”  
“Okay, okay. You’re the boss, sir.”  
“Rimmer?” Todhunter turned to him and raised an eyebrow.  
“Yes, yes,” he replied awkwardly, nodding towards Lister. “What he said.”  
“Okay then. Let’s go get kitted up.”

A few hours later, Lister was starting to wish they’d stayed in the drive room. The sensor was more badly damaged than anticipated, and fixing it had become a lengthy and fiddly process. He and Rimmer took turns passing Todhunter the necessary tools and watching what he did, but this level of electronics was well beyond either of them.

Lister was literally staring off into space, when he saw strange shapes swirling in the void up ahead. He narrowed his eyes. “What is that?”  
“What’s what?” Rimmer asked irritably, his voice crackly through the throat mike.  
“Over there. Look.” Rimmer turned and squinted.  
“It must be the dust storm Holly warned us about.”  
“It’s huge.” Lister watched the dark seething cloud with fascination.  “In fact, I think it’s getting bigger.”  Todhunter closed up the sensor hatch and joined them to take a look.  
“He’s right,” Rimmer said nervously.  
“It is! You can see it expanding!” Lister confirmed.  
“It’s not expanding,” Todhunter said, “It’s getting closer. It’s coming at us fast! Back inside! Now! Hurry!”

They scrambled down from the gantry and along the walkway as fast as the suits and lack of gravity would allow; Todhunter first, then Rimmer, with Lister bringing up the rear. “I thought it wasn’t supposed to hit us until tomorrow!” Lister panted.  
“It must be travelling at a much greater speed than Holly predicted!” Todhunter shouted back.  
“Trust that dratted senile computer to smeg it up!” Rimmer’s shrill voice pitched in.  
“He probably didn’t have the correct calculations because of the SEDA fault!”

Dark particles of dust began to fog Lister’s visor. He tried to wipe it clear with a glove but it was no use. “Ugh! I can’t see!”  
“Keep moving!” Frank’s voice yelled in his ear. “We have to get back to the airlock!” The three of them stumbled on. Lister clung to the railing, feeling his way blind. “How much further?” Rimmer called desperately.  
“We should be nearly there! Just keep going! We’re almost...!”

Lister didn’t take in the rest of the sentence. He felt a tremor go through the mass of the ship, a quiver like an earthquake as the storm winds hurtled towards Red Dwarf. Then the impact struck and he felt the blow through his whole body, almost like a blast of silent sound. Suddenly he was soaring backwards, spinning helplessly in the dark with no sense of up or down. He heard the others screaming through his headset. Then, with a spine-jarring jolt, he came to a stop. He gasped for breath, still being buffeted by the storm winds, and remembered they were all still clipped to the tether line. “Is everyone ok?” Todhunter shouted.  
“Marvellous!” Rimmer screamed back sarcastically, “Never better!”  
“What do we do?” Lister shouted.  
“Don’t panic! Dave, can you reach the rope?”  
Lister fumbled at his belt and found the clip where the line was attached. “I’ve got it.”  
“Pull yourself up to Rimmer. Then both of you pull yourselves up to me. I’ll wind us in.”  
“Why don’t you just do it now?” Rimmer wailed.  
“I’m worried about the strain on the tether. It’s not supposed to withstand the force of a storm like this, and out at full length it’s at its weakest. Let’s bring it in as much as we can before adding any more pressure.”

Lister closed a gloved hand around the cord and started to pull himself along it. The distance wasn’t far, maybe five feet or so, but with the wind and dust pelting him it felt like a mile and he still couldn’t see a thing. Eventually, he collided with the welcome weight of Rimmer’s body and grabbed onto him. “Okay!”  
“Great! Now both of you make your way up to me. Quick as you can.” Lister clung on around Rimmer’s waist as he hauled them up towards Todhunter. Finally, the three of them huddled together as one. “Good work, chaps. Now everyone keep a tight hold. I’m going to bring us in.”

Gradually, the line began to retract, dragging them slowly but steadily back to the airlock. Although Lister’s visor was still obscured, he felt the change as they entered the chamber. The pull of the vacuum outside still dragged at them, but the punishing cross-winds and constant onslaught of dust ceased. He wiped at his helmet and managed to clear a grubby window. What he saw sent an electric shock of panic through him. The winch bringing them in had ripped halfway out of the wall and was wobbling precariously. “The winch is breaking!” he yelled, “It’s not gonna hold much longer!”  
“Oh hell!” He saw Rimmer and Todhunter rub frantically at their own visors. “Okay,” Todhunter shouted, “I think it will hold long enough to get us to the wall. When we get there, grab onto the railing as tight as you can with one hand. With your other hand, unclip the tether from your belt IMMEDIATELY. Understand?”  
“We’ll use the tether line, he said,” Rimmer ranted, “It’ll be safer than the jet packs, he said.”  
“Rimmer, shut up and concentrate,” Lister walloped his shoulder. The winch lurched treacherously.  
“Get ready!” Todhunter warned. “Readyyyyy! Okay, now!”

They let go of each other and lunged for the railing. Lister felt his feet fly out behind him as the universe tried to suck him back into its empty embrace. He tightened his grip on the rail and fumbled desperately to unclip his belt from the tether. The combination of his thick gloves and limited peripheral vision made it a struggle. “Dave, hurry!” Todhunter shouted.  
“I’ve nearly got it!”

The winch started to peel away from the wall with a groaning sound. Lister’s heart hammered in his ears and stomach. “Come on, come _on_ ,” he growled. “Let me go, you bastard.” Finally, the clip broke free of the loop and he flung it away from him. The loose cord thrashed like an angry snake, tearing the winch completely from the wall, and the whole thing shot out of the airlock into stormy space.

Lister clutched onto the railing with both arms and screwed his eyes shut in relief.  
“What do we do now?” Rimmer howled next to him. “We can’t get to the door mechanism!”  
“Holly!” Todhunter bellowed, “Close the airlock! Holly! Come on, everyone! HOLLY!”  
They screamed and hollered for a full minute before giving up, exhausted. “It’s no use. Either he can’t hear us out here or he’s too preoccupied with the storm,” Todhunter conceded. “We’ll have to think of something else.”  
“Like what?” Rimmer screeched. “We’re literally hanging on by our fingertips here!”  
“If we make a human chain then maybe we can reach it. Take my hand.”  
“Are you crazy? I’m not letting go!”  
“Do you have any better ideas?”  
“Yes! I’m going to cling onto this railing until my oxygen runs out and postpone certain death for at least another hour!”  
“Rimmer, this is our only chance! Please, just trust me.”  
“Listen to him!” Lister shouted. “He’s right. We can do this! We just have to work together.”  
“Oh, supersonic smegging shit,” Rimmer growled. “Alright! Fine!” He grabbed Todhunter’s outstretched hand. “But if I miss out on fifty-six minutes of life, no matter how unpleasant and terrifying, I’m holding you both responsible.”

He let go of the railing and floated outwards towards the open airlock and the lever beside the door, clinging onto Todhunter. Lister edged along the railing to get closer to them, then reached out and grabbed hold of Frank’s floating ankle, took a deep breath, and let go of the wall. He quickly climbed his way down their linked bodies, finally catching hold of Rimmer’s hand at the end. He gripped it tight and turned his attention to the lever. He could see just by looking that it was still too far for him to reach, but stretched out anyway. He heard Frank grunt with the effort of holding them all and drew back. “It’s no good. I can’t reach!”  
“By how much?”  
“A foot maybe?”  
“Great!” Rimmer exclaimed. “We go back to my plan of dying in...forty-eight minutes instead. Frank, pull us in.”

“Wait,” Lister said. “Wait. If I let go, maybe I can grab it.”  
“Dave, no!”  
“Don’t be absurd! The moment you let go you’ll be sucked out and dragged away by the storm!”  
“It’s only a foot. I can make it.”  
“Even if you do, it takes fifteen seconds for the airlock door to close completely. The lever won’t hold you that long, it’s not strong enough,” Todhunter warned desperately. “Besides, I’m losing my grip here. Rimmer’s right. Let’s just wait for a bit. Holly might still find us.”  
“How long can we hold onto that railing before either it gives out or we do?”  
“We’ll find out!” Todhunter started to haul them back, “There’s no time to argue about it. My arm is going numb.”  
“Rimmer, let me go. I can do it.”  
“Not a chance, Squire.”  
“For smeg’s sake! We’re all going to die out here if we don’t at least try!” Lister screamed at them.  
“Then we’ll do it together!” Todhunter screamed back. “We are not sacrificing you!”  
“That’s right!” Rimmer backed him up. “I am not going to end my miserable life by watching the only person I’ve ever loved throwing himself out of an airlock in a pointless noble gesture! Do you understand?”

There was a loud hiss and a whirr, and the airlock door started to slowly roll closed. They stared at it in shock then whooped. “Yes! We’re saved! We’re saved!” Rimmer chanted.  
“Oh, thank god!” Lister sighed. “For a moment there, I really thought we were done f...”  
At that second, the railing snapped.

The three of them tumbled towards the airlock and slammed into the slowly closing door. Lister was sucked towards the gap. Rimmer threw himself forward and grabbed one of his hands as he was dragged backwards. “No!”

Lister felt the inexorable pull behind him, the inescapable force of it, as helpless as if he was falling. Suddenly there was a clang. The door had closed on his oxygen tank. He was stuck in the open gap. Todhunter grabbed his other hand and, bracing their feet against the wall, he and Rimmer fought a tug of war with the cosmos for the right to keep him.

With a final primal scream of effort, they pulled him free and the airlock sealed closed. There was a second loud hiss as the chamber re-pressurised and the artificial gravity engaged, and all three of them dropped in a heap to the ground.


	13. Chapter 13

Lister sat up and spun off his helmet, drawing in a deep grateful gasp of air. Rimmer and Todhunter did the same. They looked at one other, pale and trembling, then burst into hysterical laughter and threw their arms around each other in a three-way hug.

“I have an idea,” Rimmer said with manic cheerfulness, “Let’s _not_ do that ever again.”  
“Agreed,” Todhunter nodded emphatically. “From now on we use jet packs _and _tether lines on every single space walk.”__  
“I meant ‘Let’s not ever step foot outside the ship again’, actually,” Rimmer said. “I vote we stay inside where there are nice things like gravity and oxygen, and all we have to worry about is the occasional catastrophic atomic blast.”  
Todhunter laughed, “Well, when you put it like that...”  
“Oh man,” Lister said feebly, still clinging to them both, “Holy smegarama, that was scary.”  
“You pillock,” Rimmer said sternly. “I can’t believe you were actually going to chuck yourself out of the airlock like a giant lemming. What is the matter with you?”  
Lister chuckled weakly, “Hey, I’m just naturally heroic.”  
“You’re a moron.”  
“I’m with Arn on this one, I’m afraid,” Todhunter said warmly. “There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. You may have crossed it on this occasion.”  
“Charming. You know if Holly hadn’t finally come through, we’d have all been goners when that railing snapped. If you’d let me try for it we might have made it.”  
“Don’t.” Rimmer cringed. “I can’t even think about it.”

____

The inner door chimed and flashed green to show it was safe to exit the airlock. Before they could get up however, the door swung open and Cat peered in. At some point in the last few hours he’d changed into an extravagant floor-length leopard print overcoat. “What’s going on in here? What are you all sitting on the floor for?”  
“Cat?” Lister exclaimed, “ _You _closed the airlock?!”  
“I didn’t do nothing!” Cat insisted defensively. “I just pulled this lever out here. He said I’m not allowed to push buttons but no-one said anything about levers!”__

____

Lister dragged himself up and into the corridor and pulled Cat into a hug. “That’s okay. You did good. The lever saved us.”  
“Really?” Cat grinned happily. “In that case, yeah it was me! I was awesome and saved the day! You all owe me, big time!”  
“It looks like we do,” Todhunter smiled.  
“Do we really need to stroke his ego any more?” Rimmer complained.  
“Be gracious, Arnold. He did save our lives.”  
“By accident.”  
“All the same...”  
“Fine, fine, fine. Well done. You pulled the smegging lever. Thank you.”  
Lister stepped back and looked at Cat’s jacket, bemused. “Is that my bed throw?!”

“Here,” Holly appeared on the overhead monitor, “What’s going on? Why aren’t you lot in the drive room? I thought you were supposed to be helping me.”  
“You incompetent modo!” Rimmer snarled. “I ought to reprogram you with a pickaxe. Do you realise we nearly just died?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean we just got trapped outside in an open airlock.”  
“That was a bit thick. What were you doing out there? There’s a massive dust storm going on, in case you hadn’t noticed.”  
“Rimmer,” Lister put a soothing hand on his arm as he saw his face start to change colour from white to red to purple, “Let’s not get into it now, okay? We could all do with just unwinding for a bit.”  
“Absolutely. I don’t know about you two, but I’m feeling very tightly wound. Let’s get out of these space suits and take a breather,” Todhunter agreed.  
“I’ll just carry on then, shall I?” Holly huffed.  
“You’ve done it for three million years,” Lister told him. “You can handle one more afternoon.”

Once they’d disappeared down the corridor, Cat looked up at Holly’s monitor. “Hey, Head! Aren’t you forgetting something?”  
“Yes, okay. The code for the stasis larders in the cargo bay is 8888. There’s lots of fish in there.”  
“Aowww! Alright!”  
“Thanks for your assistance.”  
“I still don’t know why you made me wait so long before letting them in. I got other things to do, you know! I haven’t combed my eyebrows in twenty minutes!”  
“Monkey business,” Holly said simply. “You wouldn’t understand.”

After returning to Lister’s room, all three of them crashed out on the bed, exhausted, and quickly fell asleep. A couple of hours later, Lister awoke with a start from a dream where he was spinning alone through the darkness. Rimmer and Todhunter still lay either side of him, but his sudden movement had roused them. “Wass goin’ on?” Rimmer yawned.  
“Sorry,” Lister said sheepishly. “Nightmare.”  
“Y’okay?” Todhunter asked sleepily, propping his head up on one arm and rubbing his eyes.  
“Yeah, I’m fine now.”  
“How long were we asleep?” Rimmer asked, also sitting up.  
“Not that long. I think we earned it. It’s been quite a day.”  
“It’s certainly been challenging. But we got through it, didn’t we?” Todhunter said encouragingly. “Look at what we achieved. You identified a technical fault. We worked together to repair it. We overcame a highly difficult and dangerous situation. I think we did okay.”  
“Yeah. We’re like proper space-hardened astros now. We’ve got this down.”  
“Am I the only person who remembers the bit where we almost all got sucked into oblivion?” Rimmer asked testily.  
“But we didn’t. We’re all here in one piece.” Todhunter said reasonably.  
“We were lucky,” Rimmer stressed. “And if you hadn’t been there, we probably would have never even made it back to the airlock before that winch gave out.”  
“He’s right,” Lister patted Todhunter’s shoulder. “You did a brilliant job out there. We wouldn’t have made it without you.”  
“You wouldn’t have been out there in the first place if it wasn’t for me,” he said guiltily. “I shouldn’t have let you come, certainly not both of you. That was irresponsible. In future we should always leave someone on board who can step in if there’s an emergency.”  
“That sounds like a job for me,” Rimmer piped up. “You two can bob around outside like balloons while I coordinate from the drive room. Teamwork.”

“Yeah, teamwork,” Lister echoed softly. “See how much better we are... _together_?” He left the sentence hanging meaningfully. Rimmer and Todhunter exchanged an awkward glance over his head. “We can make this work,” Lister pressed gently. He reached up and stroked both of their faces. “I just need you guys to have faith. Let go of the railing and make the jump with me. What’s the worst that can happen? It can’t be any scarier than what we just did.”  
“Are you sure about that?” Rimmer replied darkly.  
“Unless you two are far more creative than I’ve ever given you credit for, there should be no mortal danger involved in the three of us getting it on. Besides,” Lister smirked, “it’s either that or a lifetime of cold showers and Risk tournaments.”  
“I know you’re joking,” Todhunter said, “But I actually quite like Risk.”  
Rimmer’s head snapped up. “Really?”  
“I used to be part of the campaign group at college.”  
“Is that so?”  
“Yes, I had a pretty good record too.”  
“Did I ever tell you the story about how I beat my cadet school training officer at Risk?”  
“Ooh, no. Do tell.”

“Guys!” Lister protested, “I’m right here, suggesting that we celebrate not being dead by shagging like rabbits. Shut up about your stupid board game.”  
“It’s not stupid,” Rimmer protested. “It’s a very complex game.”  
“Is it better than sex?” Lister asked pointedly.  
“It lasts longer.”  
“It doesn’t _have_ to.”  
“No, Arn’s right. A decent campaign can last hours,” Todhunter said earnestly.  
“Days even,” Rimmer stressed.  
Lister looked at them both with frustration and disgust. “You know what? Offer rescinded. Go play Risk, you nerds.” He sat up indignantly to leave.

Todhunter and Rimmer pulled him back down again, grinning. “Let’s not be hasty,” Frank raised an eyebrow. “It’s still early.”  
“We could shag like rabbits and still have time to get a decent game going before dinner.” Rimmer added mildly.  
“So...you’re in?” Lister asked, beaming. “Both of you?”  
“It may not be conventional,” Todhunter acknowledged, “but given the circumstances I think it’s worth a shot.”  
“Rimsy?” Lister asked.  
“Maybe I’m just feeling gushy from all the not being dead,” he gave Todhunter a grudging half-smile, “but a man who appreciates Risk can’t be all bad.”  
“High praise indeed,” Todhunter remarked dryly.

“Okay,” Lister purred happily. “So my clients are my boyfriends now. Do my boyfriends want to show me a bit of love?”  
“Oh god, yes.” Todhunter growled, running an appreciative hand down Lister’s body and making him squirm.  
“Do your boyfriends get some love back?” Rimmer asked, caressing his thigh. Lister, already hard and excited, sat up and gave each of them a long lingering kiss. “All of it,” he promised.

Clothes were discarded. Kisses and embraces were shared. And the next hour passed in a dream of hands and lips on naked skin, tangled limbs and tangled tongues, sweet spooning and sweet torture, slick lube and rough stubble, and moans and gasps and cries. When it was finally over, they lay panting side by side.

“Wow,” Lister said breathlessly. “We should have done this _ages_ ago.”  
“That was certainly...rewarding.” Rimmer looked slightly shellshocked.  
“Yes. Rewarding.” Todhunter nodded, dazed. “That is a very accurate word.”  
“C’mere,” Lister tugged them both into a cuddle. “I know it’s going to take some getting used to, and we may need to add a few new ground rules to the list, but if _that _was anything to go by it’s going to be worth it. Let’s just take it one day at a time.”__  
“Good idea. Although I think I might be done for this particular day,” Todhunter admitted.  
“Yes,” Rimmer said, “I think that was acceptable for an initial test run. No point overdoing it.”  
“Weaklings.”  
“We haven’t all had as much practice as you, you know.”  
“Hey, you’re gonna have to learn to keep up.”  
“One day at a time,” Todhunter reminded him with weary amusement.  
“Okay, okay. So what now?”

____

There was a brief pause then Rimmer said, “Give me five minutes to get my breath back.”  
“And you’ll be ready to go again?”  
“No. I’ll be ready to go and get my Risk board.”  
“Excellent idea,” Todhunter said cheerfully. “What a perfect way to round off the night.”

  
Lister buried his head under the pillow and groaned.

  
**_Thirty years later..._ **

“Your tea, Mister Todhunter, sir. Milk and sugar.”  
“Ah, thank you, Kryten.”  
“Sugar?” Rimmer looked up accusingly from his textbook.  
“It’s only one, Arnold. Don’t nag.”  
“You know your blood sugar was high at your last medical.”  
“Only a touch. Dave’s has been high for the past three. Go nag him.”  
“Don’t drag me into this,” Lister said from the sofa, not looking up from his magazine.  
“We both know there’s no point in me nagging him. _You_ on the other hand are smart enough to know better.”  
“Arnie, calm down,” Lister said, “Remember your blood pressure.”  
“That’s right. None of us are as fighting fit as we used to be. It’s just part and parcel of getting older.”  
“Speak for yourself,” Lister chipped in.  
“I said older, not old. You’re not twenty-five anymore either, darling.”  
“Now, sirs. You’re all in perfectly good health. There’s no reason to worry,” Kryten reassured them.  
“There, you see?” Lister turned a page nonchalantly, “We’re fine.”  
“Don’t say that!” Rimmer objected. “You’ll jinx it!”  
“What?”  
“This is what happens. Someone says ‘We’re fine’ and next thing you know someone stiffs it.”  
“ _When_ has that ever happened?”  
“It _could_.”

“Arnold,” Todhunter reached over and patted his hand, “Do be quiet.”  
“I’m just trying to take care of you two.”  
“I know, but you worry too much. Kryten’s right, we’re all in fine shape, and we get plenty of exercise.” Over on the couch, Lister snickered quietly and Frank rolled his eyes. “All I’m saying is you should relax a bit.”  
Rimmer sighed theatrically and went back to his textbook, “Yes dear.”

Kryten left the three of them to their own devices and headed to the Cat’s quarters with his warm milk. He didn’t pretend to understand much about human relationships, but even from his limited knowledge he was aware that this one was a tad unusual. It certainly didn’t seem to conform to the standards set by most of the movies he was familiar with. However there were two things of which Kryten was certain. That a happier, more loving union had never existed in human history.

And that neither of them were good enough for Mister Lister.


End file.
